Starting again….

I have this friend who always is cheery. Like, I want to punch her. It’s not that I think being cheery/ positive etc is wrong… Maybe it’s the east coast cynicism that bleeds into everything in my life. I like to call myself, “a realist.” I don’t know if I truly am or if I love watching her face contort into all sorts of shapes from me countering her, “Don’t worry, there’s a reason” with my, “Shove it in your ass” response. Everyone has a person like this in their life. That person who pretends she’s in the perfect marriage, with the perfect life, and they are better than everyone else. She’s the one who refers to her husband as Hubby in front of people who know him. Know him well. Like by name.

I have another friend who has done nothing her whole life. Since high school, she’s dated the same guy, lived with her parents, and never was on her own. You may not quite understand the meaning. She is incapable of caring for herself. She’s 40. She now lives with her parents after a cruel break-up (who hasn’t been there, right?). She will only drive in the daylight (there is no visual impairment here), and wouldn’t go to her own apartment unless she knew her BF was home to escort her to the door, out of fear. She complains all day about problems that she can fix if she just does it and it’s FRUSTRATING to say the least. And when you try to bust her excuses to get her to move in the right direction, she combats it with a stern, “I know. I’m trying.” Her inaction is FRUSTRATING!

A third friend of mine let’s her husband call her names like, “C-U-Next-Tuesday” all because she thinks she says things to spark the confrontation. I tell her no fricken way should your husband – should ANYONE – be calling people names. That’s stupid! She understands he treats her like garbage; she thinks she deserves it. She thinks because she’s heavy, that allows dude to talk to her any way he wants, with or without justification. Drives me fucking crazy.

Sometimes I even get so crazy about it, that I take a ‘friend-break’ as I like to call them; a little time-out from the drama floating through those friends of mine. I hate drama. It takes up too much energy. Was I getting too crazy over this shit? It’s not my relationship! I have the perfect relationship. I take care of myself and my kids (8, 7, &2 YO) as a stay at home mom and my BF is brilliantly in love with me. He would never talk to me in a shit manner. Maybe that’s not as true as I would like it to be.

While watching a YouTube video by Kyle Cease (who I think is really brilliant), he said (and I’m paraphrasing): All that advise I was just giving you, was really myself trying to give myself advise.

About me: I just turned 40. Up until 2 years ago, I worked at a decent job for 10 years. I have 3 little kids. My BF and I have been together 16 years. Today – Wednesday 4/5/17 – we broke up. I’m a stay at home mom with 3 kids, what am I to do now? What am I going to do….

While in the process of trying to sort out what the fuck is going on right now, I have to look at myself with more honesty than I think I had been doing. I don’t know how I got to where I am. I’m 80 pounds heavier, I don’t have a job, my BF is mean to me (I’d go so far to say verbally and emotionally abusive), I’m broke, I don’t have any friends, and now I don’t even have a place to call my own.

I am capable. I am smart. I am going to need to pick up my broken little life and get it moving. Not just for my sake, but for the sake of my kids. I don’t know exactly how my life got this far. I don’t know if there is anyway I can recover. So, I figured I should document my transition time right now in order to truly see if I’ve changed. And since I have no friends, I’m taking you strangers along with me.

WHAT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR JOHN WATSON, DAMN IT, IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!

I made a list of things that I want to bring up to par:

1: Get control over my weight

2: Get a job

3: Get my own place

There are other things that I want to get moving but I think these are the 3 big ones. Not in any particular order but they all are top priorities for me. Getting a job is absolutely an imperative. I have a small, wedding-planning company that I have been trying to get off the ground (to become a more permanent and steady source of income) so I need a daytime job.

Getting my own place is an imperative, however until I get the job to save, that’s not something I can work on right now. I can ‘dream’ about it; I can ‘visualize’ but I need to save for it so getting consistent money is a top priority.

Finally, getting healthy. I am 70 pounds heavier than I would like to be and 90 pounds heavier than where I feel I’m the perfect weight. I have always been heavier (referring to the number on the scale, not the appearance of the curves). I got big boobs, a big ass, and a tiny waist…. and that’s when I was content at 190 pounds. I feel perfect at about 170. In my adult life, I have never weighed below 171, graduated high school at 194, and my  average weight before kids is 190.

I’ve been on a diet since I was 11 – I know all my data!

I also know all the ways to lose weight. I have read every book, every theory. I have tried fad diets and been on Weight Watchers. There was only one – out of all the programs, info graphs, and diet recommendations – that ever was successful: Atkins. It’s the only thing that has ever worked for me. Ever. Weight Watchers I think I liked doing the best because of all the support and information — it was the meetings for me that really made an impact. Weight Watchers now is $100 a month. I’m trying to save for an apartment and have no job – WHERE am I going to get $100 monthly?? Atkins though is expensive and I run out of food money – ashamed to say – often. ‘Kid food’ is cheaper than fresh veggies and the like. It turns into making the kids dinner and then I eat the left overs.

I tell you all of this not because I’m looking for pity. I detest pity. But I want to accurately paint a portrait of what is my current reality.

I am giving myself 12 months to change this version of reality to one that more closely resembles what I believe my reality should be.

What I feel is having a little house with a yard, by a park or school. Having a job that really fulfills me but at the same time, I don’t bring any stress home  with me. I see myself able to run the bases with the kids and help them in their softball training without getting winded or only watching from the stoop.

Notice I didn’t include a spouse. I had been with my BF for 16 years. I am no where close to entertaining the idea of getting involved with someone else.

THE PLAN

You can’t go where you want without a plan. There are serious obstacles in my way but I can get past it with enough planning.

  • first: I’m going back to Atkins program. I will be hitting the grocery store every morning to get my food for the day. Maybe I’ll go the night before. Of course, buy frozen and sales.
  • Keep applying for jobs. I am already applying for jobs. I spruced up the ol’ resume. It looks brilliant. And I will keep moving forward with my Event Planning company.
  • Save, Save, Save every dime that comes into by little hands. I’m not picky about renting vs buying. I have the worst credit (I think my score is 8) but I would love renting an apartment or mobile home or condo.
  • Moving in with my sister. She lives in Hawaii. I hate to take the kids from their dad but I need to think about their wellbeing now.

Anyway, that’s what’s up, that’s the plan. Wish me luck and I will keep everyone posted. Thanks! Jinx

 

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