5 Things they don’t tell you when you have kids

Kids are great. There’s something wonderful from having your kids come around you and just love you.

Kids are nuts. And if you’re one of those people who don’t like chaos, don’t have kids. No, having kids is not like having a dog. It’s like having a kleptomaniac octopus who cries all the time. And throws things. And hugs you.

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  1. Animals + kids = sympathy

We have a cat. She is 8 years old and really a good sport. The baby doesn’t let the cat walk anywhere. Thank God I taught her to hold the cat like a baby and not just grab what ever part is hanging out. That’s not a happy cat!

Today, the baby brought the cat in who was just dripping wet. “What the hell happened??”

“I peed on the cat.”

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2. You’re going to need a pillow to scream into

Kids (at least my kids) suffer from a condition that my grandparents used to call, “Selective Hearing.” Apparently it’s hereditary. That means that if you are asking them to clean their room, they can’t hear you. If you rattle the bag of Oreos in the bathroom under a blanket on another floor in another building, they will find you within 30 seconds.

You’re going to be frustrated. You’re going to be pissed. Do like Lilo: Buy a big fluffy pillow and scream your heart out into it. You’re going to thank me.

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3. McDonald’s will be your best friend

I have cut out carbs from my diet almost completely. I try to have my kids eat well the best that I can considering they are very young, very picky, and apparently exactly like their mother.

McDonald’s, I have found, is changing it’s menu a bit and offering more in regards to health choices. I will get the kids chicken nuggets with yogurt,milk, and fries. Not the best. Not the worst. But they are willing to eat it without a fight.

The other nice thing about it is the playground and free wifi. OMG yes. You have them at home and the kids go nuts. They are bored, isolated, and little shits! –> in the context of summer vacation. During the school year, the kids are crazy busy. I try to take them to McDonald’s to play twice or three times a week. Sometimes, we go after eating lunch at home and just get ice cream as a treat. It’s the running around and the socialization that they need.

For me, it’s the wifi and the containment. They can tear shit up without me having to worry about them running into a road or about weirdos in the bathroom. And I can work online to get things done. We call that a “doble.”

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4. You don’t need all that shit

When I was pregnant with my first, I spent 3 hours wandering around Babies R Us for my registry just to end up convincing the employee to complete it for me. What the hell did I know about what I needed? Minimization is ideal when it comes to babies and kids. Things you need: diapers, bottles, spare clothes. Things you don’t need: wipe warmer, a formula mixer, or designer burp cloths. Really, it’s just going to get vomit on it, get them at Target.

The other thing that I do because it just makes more sense to me: I thrift shop. I go to the thrift store for my kids stuff. Not just clothes. Toys. Electronics. Bags. Dishes. Furniture. You know why? Because kids’ (at least my kids’) purpose is to destroy your shit. Doesn’t matter what the fuck it is, they are going to destroy it. There are a couple exceptions. I don’t buy socks or panties or shoes there. No to toothbrushes or hair brushes too (that includes hair bands and accessories). But I just don’t see the sense in spending $30 on a pair of jeans that are going to be grown out of before they can be worn down. When they say, “Kids grow like weeds” it’s LITERAL!

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5. ALWAYS have parties for your kids.

I understand there are religions that celebrations like birthdays and the like aren’t observed – I’m not talking about that – I mean have a BBQ with your kids’ friends from school at least once a year. If you want to do it for a birthday, great. If you want to do it because you bought too much steak, great. Just do it. Let me explain.

At first glance, limiting parties seems sensible especially once the teenage years hit. Just take them to dinner, give them cash, and they’re happy. And that thinking is accurate. My purpose of the party is not for that purpose – to make my kids happy – I’m a mom. If my kids are happy all the time, I’m not doing my job. My purpose is research. I want to know who my kid is hanging out with, likes, who’s a bitch, etc. You can’t get that dirt on your kids’ friends FROM YOUR KIDS. And the teachers aren’t going to tell you. Here are the ones who know: The janitors at your kids’ school, the teacher’s aid, and the office people.

I get to know ALL OF THEM.

In the process of invites for any party we throw, I get addresses, numbers, names (kids and parents), and then when they show up, I get their picture. BOOM. Mom is the PBI (Parental Bureau of Investigation). I have 3 kids. So at each party (plus BBQs or holidays) each kid is allowed to invite their friends –> that’s how I update my file every 3 months. I know the BFFs, the frienemies, the assholes, and the geeks. I know them ALL.

AND I know the parents. <– that’s a big part. You will learn real quick who you can work with for the benefit of the kids, where the kids got their behavior, and which parents are best to have conflict with once the school is involved.

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Hopefully I was able to shed a little light on what I call, “Realistic Parenting.” Leave a comment and let me know what you think!

Thank you so much for reading my blog! It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re helping me pursue not only my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii in October 2017 as so to start connecting to our future there. Thank you all again so very much!

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