Fat 2 Phat: A Letter to Me

Dear, well, me,

I know you’re staring down this journey and thinking you’re going to fail. Again. I know you’re thinking, “What’s going to be different this time?” You know what’s different? YOU ARE.

Up to this point, you’ve been practicing for today. You know your shit now; there’s no guessing about what to do. You know what works. You know HOW to get it done. Let’s turn that how into action.

I understand how proud you are of all the things you’ve accomplished socially while being heavy: Sexy boyfriends, you always make friends, three great kids… and yes, it’s nice to be more advanced socially than her* but she’s starting to catch up – I mean, she’s getting married for the second time and you haven’t even been married once (not that I want to judge personal growth on whether or not I’m married – it’s the idea that someone other than my family loves me wholly and completely, and demonstrates that publicly).

And you’re ‘fuck you’ attitude has really hurt your motivation.

Here’s where we are currently:

  1. You sleep on your side because your weight is causing shortness of breath.
  2. You’re always feeling warm because you’re now thickly insulated.
  3. You call your kids over to hand something or get something for you.
  4. You feel exhausted all the time causing a craving for sugar and to eat crap.
  5. You use food as a way to distract you from doing something you need to do but you don’t want to. I.E. Working out.
  6. You are the heaviest you have ever been. Ever. And that includes the weight of your ego.

It’s time for a serious change.

You’re on this journey to give yourself the very best gift you can: HEALTH. You can’t care for the kids while stuck in bed sick; and how long are you going to tolerate the knee pain, back pain, or the embarrassment. Or the pain of not fitting into your maternity clothes.

New Years Eve is 11 weeks away. That’s enough time to make serious changes for the better. Having better health adds to every one of our personal goals:

  • WE ARE ROCKABILLY – and vintage physiques are hourglass shape
  • WE ARE A GREAT WEDDING PLANNER – health exudes confidence and clients like a good looking planner
  • WE ARE AN ARTIST – being healthy makes it easier to hike with our art stuff
  • WE ARE BEAUTIFUL – our exterior will finally match what our mental image of our-self is
  • WE LIVE ALOHA – health releases endorphins helping control our depression

And there’s one more: WE ARE COMMITTED. You will do what it takes because this time you are completely ready and enthusiastic. You have a map for issues that come up (like running out of food money) and we will continue to adjust the plan as the obstacles come out.

One more thing: find an online or in-person support group. Since there is no one really in your life to help support you, seek out help through other people.

I love us, Laura. It’s time for us to treat ourselves with love and respect.

PS. We’re going to chat again in a month to see how things are moving. Don’t waste the time you have.

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– * About the ‘she’ comment earlier: I have serious issues regarding my sister and our relationship. Not to go into too many details, but home-girl is the Devil. She told me about a month ago, “You can’t be a stay at home mom, barely clean the house, and look like shit. You’ll never keep a man that way.” That’s when the ‘Fuck You’ part of me comes bouncing on out. Fuck her, fuck that, fuck IT. Anyway, I’m trying to get away from her being a motivator on my journey, but I can’t help but think that it will crush her for me to get to where I’m going… she’s super vain like that.

Thank you so much for reading my blog! It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re not only helping me pursue my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii as to to start connecting to our future there. Also, if you can, please give me a follow on Twitter or InstagramThank you all again so very much!

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Fat to Phat: Week 1 Review

Well, the first week of my 90-day thing (I really need a better term for it) is over and here’s how it stacked up.

It sucked.

Week 2 starts in 90 minutes. Maybe this week will be better.

Thank you so much for reading my blog! It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re not only helping me pursue my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii as to to start connecting to our future there. Also, if you can, please give me a follow on Twitter or InstagramThank you all again so very much!

Fat to Phat: The Start

As a 40 yo asshole, I cringe at that title too. ‘Phat’ is not my favorite word, but either is ‘fat’ so I think they compliment themselves perfectly. As you all know, my little world has been shaken up this year. Though I would like to think I have my shit in order considering, my physical condition is a manifestation of my emotional state. What’s a good term for me to use to describe how I feel I look? Dumpy. That’s it.

I am officially the 8th Dwarf. Continue reading

How ACV Made Me Feel Old

Everyone has heard how Apple Cider Vinegar (ACV) is supposed to be brilliant for your health. On my quest for better health, I thought I would try it.

So, without too much research (no common sense), I grabbed a bottle of ACV, measured out 2 tablespoons, and chugged it hardcore; just like that.

I thought I was going to die.

Screaming and running around the house to figure out what the fuck to do next, I was thinking, “how old am I?! I used to shoot 151 and Jack straight! What the fuck is my problem?!”

I likened it to drinking gasoline.

With a little more research (while on webmd.com to triage myself), I found out you’re supposed to dilute it. Who knew? Turns out it can really hurt you if you drink it straight….

First, I wanted to vomit, but I didn’t want to have that burn my esophagus a second time. Now that I’m thinking about it, what’s going to burn when I shit it out?!

Oh, Lord …

Anyway, still determined to ingest this poison, I found a recipe online that I’m going to try. I will let you know how how it goes, once I get the fear of this shit out of my mind.

On a separate point, I can understand how it would aid weight loss. After I drank this ACV toxin, I was nauseated the rest of the day.

Thank you so much for reading my blog! It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re not only helping me pursue my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii as to start connecting to our future there. Also, if you can, please give me a follow on Twitter or InstagramThank you all again so very much!

So, I have given into Social (media) Pressure

I did it. I got a little twitter and instagram going. Am I on the band wagon? Maybe. But if you ever want to check-in and see what all is on my brain (ye have been warned), stop by there, give a follow, and hopefully it won’t suck. 🙂

I am getting together some little stories for you all to laugh at me about, so, once I have emotionally dealt with them, I will post them here.

I am overflowing with confidence. Cheers!

The Trip to the ER: a story

When it comes to medical concern, after having 3 kids, I don’t scare easy. I’ve been witness to stitches, seizures, emergency life-saving surgery, eye surgery, allergies from light and grass, and countless infections and viruses that could leave even the most seasoned doctor nauseated.

My youngest had a cough. The word ‘cough’ doesn’t really, truly explain it. She had a cough.

It takes quite a bit to rattle me – medically – so when I got concerned over this cough, I ran with my motherly intuition all the way to the ER.

I understood going there, that my daughter’s cough was not at the high-end of the triage spectrum, so we came prepared to wait, armed with her tablet, coloring books, toys, blanket, and snacks. My 3yo weighed in at an impressive 49 pounds and – hacking away – we waited patiently to be called in.

We saw the nurse for the triage interview and all of a sudden, my 3yo heals up, no coughing, she was dancing and laughing, and talking to everyone. I told the nurse, “I swear she’s sick!” I don’t think he believed me. “Really! I took a video!”

“You can save that for the doctor.” He said dryly. F*** you too.

We finally get called in (I anticipated the wait so I wasn’t tripping about it), and sit in our little room. Since it’s an ER, they aren’t like rooms, they are areas that are separated by curtains, right? So whatever is going on in the curtain-room next to you, you’re going to hear. For instance: The woman who was violently vomiting. Or the man who was having a dementia breakdown. For me, these things are not an issue (again, it takes a lot to startle me medically), however, to my little 3yo who is already not well, she was in auditory hell.

The doctor was quick and to the point. She listened to my kid’s lungs and asked her questions, etc. I said the same thing I told you guys, “Look, I have 3 kids. It takes a lot to rattle me medically so when I heard her coughing like this *cue the video* I thought it absolutely necessary to bring her in.” I thought the cough – coupled with the fever and odd breathing patterns – indicated pneumonia.

Dr Lady watched my little video and smiled. “Thank you for this video, it was a huge help.” I thought she was being condecending at first. She went on to explain that the barking cough (how she described it) is actually a symtom of a viral respitory infection called croup. WTF is that? I have 3 kids and there’s a medical condition that I hadn’t heard of? Seemed unlikely. She said it’s a self-resolving condition, takes about 3 or 4 days to clear up, and since it doesn’t respond to antibiotics (virus), we just needed to focus on keeping the symtoms at bay.

My kid got a dose of steroids to help with the inflamation and then was put on an abuterol breathing treatment to ease the breathing while this cough is hanging around.

The respitory therapist (RT) came into the room a few minutes later to administer the breathing treatment. He brought a student RT with him, who was so nice and patient. My kid, who was feeling better already from the steroids, liked the student and they were having fun while I was speaking with the RT, who was preparing the dose.

Out the corner of my eye, I see my kid hold out her ET finger – you know: “ooouuuccchhh” – and I tried my best to intervene, I swear! But it was too late. Seeing the look on the student’s face explained everything: My kid put her finger in her butt and made the student smell it.

It was like watching an accident happening or slow-mo sports clip, because she’s been doing this shit a lot lately! NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! By then it was too late. The student horrifyingly looked at me. All I could muster to say was:

“She really spends too much time with her father.”