Update: It’s Been a Week

It’s been one week since I was kicked out of the home I’ve lived at for 5 years. How are things? Fucking BRILLIANT!

barefoot beach blur break
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Continue reading Update: It’s Been a Week

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Let’s Talk About Suicide

Though a difficult subject to address, I believe it’s an important one. If you feel like you have no options, please, call 1-800-273-8255 or go to
SuicidePreventionLifeline.org Life can suck. Don’t give up.

As you all know, it’s been a pretty shit year for me:

  1. End of my 17-year relationship but still having to co-habitate
  2. Having to transition from Housewife to finding a full time job
  3. Three kids who depend on me
  4. My mom (BFF) moving 2,500 miles away
  5. Being completely alone
  6. Super over-weight
  7. Not to mention I’m now 41

Those are my top 7.

I don’t know how I don’t commit suicide. Maybe it’s stubbornness. I’ll be damned if he’s going to raise these kids. I’LL BE DAMNED.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about it. How much easier it would be for me if I were to save my kids from having to have me as a mom. Since I don’t have anyone who is really affected by my existence other than them, it’s tempting. Real tempting. I mean it’s real tempting.

For me, what stops me is my kids. My three little faces that look to me for guidance, protection, advice, care, support. And of course, to feed them. That stops me from just saying, “Fuck it.”

What I haven’t figured out is how to use that motivation – that energy or love if you will – to help me change those 7 things I listed. But I’m working on it. And the ‘working’ part entertains my mind enough to keep me moving forward – even if it’s slowly.

What I’ve been doing is celebrating little successes. I mean little. Specifically, some days if I don’t commit suicide, I celebrate that. That in itself is a win for me. Some days, I’m happy with getting out of bed, even if I didn’t do anything else. Some days, I’m happy if I stay a little time in the sunshine or in the moonlight. What I try to do is find one thing – doesn’t matter what it is – and truly appreciate it for a moment. And then I find something else to appreciate for a moment. I just do that over and over again. Then, when I get back to the house, I can deal a little better with the verbal and emotional abuse that I’m working towards getting away from.

Here’s an example. I’m from the east coast. Me and my little sister would run through fields close to our house when we were little and pick honeysuckle. I loved the smell and the softness. Not to mention the great time I shared with my sister.

honeysuckleI’ve lived in California since 1989, and it wasn’t until a couple weeks ago that I found honeysuckle here! I didn’t realize by looking at it, that’s what it was. I must have passed that bush 1,000 times before. But because my ex has taken my car away, it wasn’t until I was walking passed the bush that the smell reminded me exactly what it was.

I was so happy that first time that I cried. I stood there just smelling this bush that is hanging over a wall in someone’s backyard. Now, I walk passed it everyday and I take a moment to smell and really breathe in the scent and appreciate the fact that the plant is there to remind me that things have been good in the past and they will be good again, as long as I work hard.

It’s things like that – things I fully and completely appreciate – that keep me from taking that final step. Like when I get FaceTime-d by my kids just because they miss me and want me to tell them a story. Yeah, I know he’s going to get home and start in with the foulness, but I appreciate those moments so much. And that’s what keeps me moving towards my goal, even if it feels like it’s taking forever.

I will get there. And if I can get there, then YOU can get there. 

Look, I don’t know your situation. And I am completely aware that things could be worse for me and that things could be better for you. But I’ll say it again: If you feel like you have no options, please, call 1-800-273-8255 or go to SuicidePreventionLifeline.org.

Life can suck. Don’t give up. 

Check-in Time

It’s now my fourth day and I’m feeling good. Yesterday wasn’t awesome. I had my first ‘cravings’ for my old way of eating when I bought brownies for my kids. No to mention that we went to McDonald’s for ice cream since the kids were so good all day … Let’s start there. Continue reading Check-in Time

How Do I Move When I’m Stuck?

I have been yapping on for a year about getting into shape. Guess what? I have hit my new, all-time high: 276.8 poundsWhat the fuck?

I’ve been spending a lot of time on the problem. I’ve gone to the nutritionist, I’ve seen my doctor, and I’ve even had a consult with my insurance to see what other options are available to me. Sadly, I keep. Getting. Bigger. Continue reading How Do I Move When I’m Stuck?

Things are Never Boring: Autism

Apparently, Karma thought it would be great, on top of everything else, to let me wrestle with the idea of my middle child having some developmental distress. I don’t know how else to say it. I can’t remember if I wrote it up last year so I’ll just start at the beginning. Continue reading Things are Never Boring: Autism