Fat 2 Phat: A Letter to Me

Dear, well, me,

I know you’re staring down this journey and thinking you’re going to fail. Again. I know you’re thinking, “What’s going to be different this time?” You know what’s different? YOU ARE.

Up to this point, you’ve been practicing for today. You know your shit now; there’s no guessing about what to do. You know what works. You know HOW to get it done. Let’s turn that how into action.

I understand how proud you are of all the things you’ve accomplished socially while being heavy: Sexy boyfriends, you always make friends, three great kids… and yes, it’s nice to be more advanced socially than her* but she’s starting to catch up – I mean, she’s getting married for the second time and you haven’t even been married once (not that I want to judge personal growth on whether or not I’m married – it’s the idea that someone other than my family loves me wholly and completely, and demonstrates that publicly).

And you’re ‘fuck you’ attitude has really hurt your motivation.

Here’s where we are currently:

  1. You sleep on your side because your weight is causing shortness of breath.
  2. You’re always feeling warm because you’re now thickly insulated.
  3. You call your kids over to hand something or get something for you.
  4. You feel exhausted all the time causing a craving for sugar and to eat crap.
  5. You use food as a way to distract you from doing something you need to do but you don’t want to. I.E. Working out.
  6. You are the heaviest you have ever been. Ever. And that includes the weight of your ego.

It’s time for a serious change.

You’re on this journey to give yourself the very best gift you can: HEALTH. You can’t care for the kids while stuck in bed sick; and how long are you going to tolerate the knee pain, back pain, or the embarrassment. Or the pain of not fitting into your maternity clothes.

New Years Eve is 11 weeks away. That’s enough time to make serious changes for the better. Having better health adds to every one of our personal goals:

  • WE ARE ROCKABILLY – and vintage physiques are hourglass shape
  • WE ARE A GREAT WEDDING PLANNER – health exudes confidence and clients like a good looking planner
  • WE ARE AN ARTIST – being healthy makes it easier to hike with our art stuff
  • WE ARE BEAUTIFUL – our exterior will finally match what our mental image of our-self is
  • WE LIVE ALOHA – health releases endorphins helping control our depression

And there’s one more: WE ARE COMMITTED. You will do what it takes because this time you are completely ready and enthusiastic. You have a map for issues that come up (like running out of food money) and we will continue to adjust the plan as the obstacles come out.

One more thing: find an online or in-person support group. Since there is no one really in your life to help support you, seek out help through other people.

I love us, Laura. It’s time for us to treat ourselves with love and respect.

PS. We’re going to chat again in a month to see how things are moving. Don’t waste the time you have.

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– * About the ‘she’ comment earlier: I have serious issues regarding my sister and our relationship. Not to go into too many details, but home-girl is the Devil. She told me about a month ago, “You can’t be a stay at home mom, barely clean the house, and look like shit. You’ll never keep a man that way.” That’s when the ‘Fuck You’ part of me comes bouncing on out. Fuck her, fuck that, fuck IT. Anyway, I’m trying to get away from her being a motivator on my journey, but I can’t help but think that it will crush her for me to get to where I’m going… she’s super vain like that.

Thank you so much for reading my blog! It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re not only helping me pursue my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii as to to start connecting to our future there. Also, if you can, please give me a follow on Twitter or InstagramThank you all again so very much!

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Fat to Phat: Week 1 Review

Well, the first week of my 90-day thing (I really need a better term for it) is over and here’s how it stacked up.

It sucked.

Week 2 starts in 90 minutes. Maybe this week will be better.

Thank you so much for reading my blog! It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re not only helping me pursue my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii as to to start connecting to our future there. Also, if you can, please give me a follow on Twitter or InstagramThank you all again so very much!

A Little Writer’s Block Honesty

I’ve been grappling with writer’s block for about 2 weeks now, so I thought I would just put my heart out there for this week’s post.

It’s hard to talk about where I am now, considering what was my expectations for my life. As of last Monday, I moved out, and am now living at my mom’s with my 3 kids. I still have to go back and forth to the house to collect more things – I couldn’t get it all in one trip – but I got the necessities out for me and the girls. They’re pissed they don’t get to bring all their toys but what can you do, right?

I am normally a very private – I’d go so far to describe me as secretive – to everyone. No one really knows me, they know pieces here and there but no one knows the whole picture except maybe my sister, but even then that would be just a guess. It’s lonely.  It can be frustrating. And it definitely makes me like animals better than most people.

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Today was hard. It was the first day I saw my kids’ dad since I moved out last week. He picked up my youngest to spend a bit of time with her. The older two are away at camp until Thursday… a little one on one time together is a great thing. It’s strange and a bit depressing that there is this tension – I don’t know how to explain it. When I was living there, and all the shit talking and all the bullshit, there was always someone there.

I’m also a little nervous because my fund-raisers aren’t performing the way I would like. I need to do more research on it and how to execute it better, I believe. I want to do so much, then I get disappointed with myself when I don’t get done what I wanted. It’s a stupid cycle. Start to feel strength, get a bit ambitious, don’t complete what I wanted to, get depressed, fight to even get out of bed.

Today is one of those days. I was doing okay this morning then the ex calls to spend time with the baby. I was still good. Bath for the baby, I got dressed, then he comes and it was just awkward and tense. Then when he left, I was heart-broken, alone, worrying about if I made the right decision.

Then I ate all fucking day.

I love this feeling though. The feeling that the old is peeling away for the new; the feeling that I can do anything I want, and that I’m not a piece of shit. I am excited about what might be coming. I am trying to be optimistic – it’s a daily battle, but I keep trying.

Thank you so much for reading my blog! It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re helping me pursue not only my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. There are also t-shirts available (I also donate 25% of those contributions to the SurfRider Foundation). It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii in October 2017 as so to start connecting to our future there. Thank you all again so very much!

Living Aloha: A Brilliant Philosophy

While in Hawaii, I was greeted and treated by the most wonderful people. They were open and wonderful to a stranger (me) and was unconditional with their kindness. Not to mention my brilliant sister and my brilliant brother-in-law… they are truly an example of the best people I have ever known. There is one thing that has really stayed with me: Aloha. Continue reading

Depression Crafts: The Timer

I’ve been fighting depression for years now. There were times where I wouldn’t shower for weeks. I was a zombie. Though I am on Prozac now, I still struggle with some stuff. I shower now – on a regular basis (yay me) – and I take the kids out to the park pretty often. The Prozac really is pulling it’s weight here with me, but I still struggle with motivation, consistency, and what I call the ‘fuck it’ solution.

In this time, as I’ve been getting mentally stronger, I have been making a list of things that make me happy. I don’t mean like funnel cake happy, but little things that I can do every day to remind myself that life doesn’t suck, it’s mostly the depression. One thing I always enjoyed was doing my make-up.

In this case, I have to thank Jeremy Renner for the inspiration for today’s craft. What you may not know is he used to be a make-up artist. I didn’t know either! Then he was on Ellen… THEN this beautiful meme came out and found it’s way to me.  Continue reading