I have not been kidnapped…

Not by bad people anyways. It's my children. Send Clorox wipes, pizza, and endless wine.

I know I've been MIA for a bit – sorry about that – but I'm going to fill you all in, once I can get the smell out of my nose.

What smell you ask?

I miss you guys!

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This Weekend: YES!

Well, I've been at my ma's for a couple weeks now, and pretty shut in. I went on 2 job interviews and run the kids to their swim classes but that's about it. But then, there's this weekend.

Rocka-beautiful

This weekend, a local city here is having the annual SwingFest! I am SO EXCITED! It's music and dancing and vendors… I have been looking forward to this for like a month!

When I first got wind that it was coming up, I was stoked! But that was before I moved to my ma's. I thought I would have some kind of help from him; that fell flat.

Another complication is a friend of mine from high school is in town and I really want to visit. No money for that either. ALSO, it means I'm going to have to get dressed at like 8 am …

What about the kids?

When I thought to attend the SwingFest, I assumed I would just have them tag along. Continuously exposing them to actual music can only benefit them. But out of the clear, blue sky….

My sister-in-law called and said she wanted them for the whole weekend! Really? All of them? Are you sure? Alas yes, that brave soul wants to have all 300 of my kids spend the night at her house for the weekend. Sweet!

The Weekend's Plan

I'm hoping she will pick up the kids tonight and not Saturday morning. Either way, I'll get dressed, rush out to meet my friend at noon, then be at the SwingFest at 3 (it starts at 2pm).

I'm going to gather all my 411 and post on here everything 🙂 so if you guys like that kind of shit, you're welcome! And if you don't like Rockabilly… well, you're just wrong. 😘

Thank you all so much for all the support! You all keep me going after my dreams.

5 Ways I am Changing My World

As you all know, I’ve been going through a bit of a shake up. The ending of my 16-year relationship, trying to maintain some type of civilly between myself and my kids’ dad, fighting my worst frienemy, ‘Depression’, and having to move back in with my ma where my OCD/ sociopath of a sister lives, has presented more than a challenge and added a huge source of stress.

My world has fallen apart. I am (metaphorically) dying.

I have two competing options in my head right now:

  1. There is little I can do at this juncture to facilitate a resolution of many of my issues  – why fight it? Give in to the depression, lie in the bed all day, and do nothing. Eventually, things will sort themselves out.  Eat the fucking brownie; it always has loved me. And I it.
  2. There is little I can do at this juncture to facilitate a resolution of many of my issues – why fight it? Why waste the energy right now on things I can’t control and focus on things I can control? I can’t stop my sister from being a total fucking nut-job. I can control how much I am exposed to her insanity. I can’t control the fact that I have to live at my ma’s right now. I can control how long that has to be by sorting out my options, finding a job, etc. I can’t control how my ex is going to behave, but I can control how I react to that behavior.

I decided to choose option number two. FOCUS ON WHAT I CAN CONTROL. So, I decided I am going to change my world. Here are 5 ways I’m doing it.  Continue reading

A Little Writer’s Block Honesty

I’ve been grappling with writer’s block for about 2 weeks now, so I thought I would just put my heart out there for this week’s post.

It’s hard to talk about where I am now, considering what was my expectations for my life. As of last Monday, I moved out, and am now living at my mom’s with my 3 kids. I still have to go back and forth to the house to collect more things – I couldn’t get it all in one trip – but I got the necessities out for me and the girls. They’re pissed they don’t get to bring all their toys but what can you do, right?

I am normally a very private – I’d go so far to describe me as secretive – to everyone. No one really knows me, they know pieces here and there but no one knows the whole picture except maybe my sister, but even then that would be just a guess. It’s lonely.  It can be frustrating. And it definitely makes me like animals better than most people.

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Today was hard. It was the first day I saw my kids’ dad since I moved out last week. He picked up my youngest to spend a bit of time with her. The older two are away at camp until Thursday… a little one on one time together is a great thing. It’s strange and a bit depressing that there is this tension – I don’t know how to explain it. When I was living there, and all the shit talking and all the bullshit, there was always someone there.

I’m also a little nervous because my fund-raisers aren’t performing the way I would like. I need to do more research on it and how to execute it better, I believe. I want to do so much, then I get disappointed with myself when I don’t get done what I wanted. It’s a stupid cycle. Start to feel strength, get a bit ambitious, don’t complete what I wanted to, get depressed, fight to even get out of bed.

Today is one of those days. I was doing okay this morning then the ex calls to spend time with the baby. I was still good. Bath for the baby, I got dressed, then he comes and it was just awkward and tense. Then when he left, I was heart-broken, alone, worrying about if I made the right decision.

Then I ate all fucking day.

I love this feeling though. The feeling that the old is peeling away for the new; the feeling that I can do anything I want, and that I’m not a piece of shit. I am excited about what might be coming. I am trying to be optimistic – it’s a daily battle, but I keep trying.

Thank you so much for reading my blog! It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re helping me pursue not only my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. There are also t-shirts available (I also donate 25% of those contributions to the SurfRider Foundation). It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii in October 2017 as so to start connecting to our future there. Thank you all again so very much!

The Living Aloha Campaign

I said I would let you know once it was live so here it is! We are running a t-shirt campaign for the next 3 weeks to help spread the word about Living Aloha!! I know! I am SO EXCITED! It’s though Bonfire  <– there’s the link. 🙂 The profits go towards maintaining this blog, moving things towards ‘My True Self’ and of course 25% goes to the surfrider foundation to help protect our delicate coastlines.

Get a great t-shirt, help someone out. How great is that??

Thank you so much for reading my blog! It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re helping me pursue not only my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii in October 2017 as so to start connecting to our future there. Thank you all again so very much!

Assholes of Camping

So I went camping over the weekend with my kids and my Ma. The campsite had a splash pad for kids to play on.


Well there were two little boys (maybe 5 and 7-ish) playing on the geysers. The 5-year-old pissed off the 7-year-old because the 7 year old jumped on the 5 year old, pushed him down, put one hand on his neck and his other hand over his mouth and nose. I didn’t see the hands at this point. I had shouted at the kids, “Hey!” There were 6 adults RIGHT THERE, no one stopped anything. When the kids still didn’t disengage (for lack of a better word), I trotted over there and saw what was exactly going on. I pitched a FIT, full banshee mode, pulled the kids apart, and was like, “where’s your mom??” No answer. The little kid was shaking like a leaf, totally terrified, couldn’t even speak. I bring him back to my little picnic spot, get him a towel, give him some food, and just let him be in a safe little environment. Continue reading

Let me tell you about a hero

Things have been tight – you all know that. I have been spending a decent amount of time at the McDonald’s so the kids can play, I can get my dollar diet coke, and I can work on my resume and job searches in peace.

Since it’s quite a bit tough, I had just enough today for my drink (so we don’t get kicked out for loitering), and the kids got their water cups.

Things were winding down, and the kids whining for dinner, so I started packing up my things to take them home for dinner when I came face to face with a hero. Continue reading