Let’s Talk About Suicide

Though a difficult subject to address, I believe it’s an important one. If you feel like you have no options, please, call 1-800-273-8255 or go to
SuicidePreventionLifeline.org Life can suck. Don’t give up.

As you all know, it’s been a pretty shit year for me:

  1. End of my 17-year relationship but still having to co-habitate
  2. Having to transition from Housewife to finding a full time job
  3. Three kids who depend on me
  4. My mom (BFF) moving 2,500 miles away
  5. Being completely alone
  6. Super over-weight
  7. Not to mention I’m now 41

Those are my top 7.

I don’t know how I don’t commit suicide. Maybe it’s stubbornness. I’ll be damned if he’s going to raise these kids. I’LL BE DAMNED.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about it. How much easier it would be for me if I were to save my kids from having to have me as a mom. Since I don’t have anyone who is really affected by my existence other than them, it’s tempting. Real tempting. I mean it’s real tempting.

For me, what stops me is my kids. My three little faces that look to me for guidance, protection, advice, care, support. And of course, to feed them. That stops me from just saying, “Fuck it.”

What I haven’t figured out is how to use that motivation – that energy or love if you will – to help me change those 7 things I listed. But I’m working on it. And the ‘working’ part entertains my mind enough to keep me moving forward – even if it’s slowly.

What I’ve been doing is celebrating little successes. I mean little. Specifically, some days if I don’t commit suicide, I celebrate that. That in itself is a win for me. Some days, I’m happy with getting out of bed, even if I didn’t do anything else. Some days, I’m happy if I stay a little time in the sunshine or in the moonlight. What I try to do is find one thing – doesn’t matter what it is – and truly appreciate it for a moment. And then I find something else to appreciate for a moment. I just do that over and over again. Then, when I get back to the house, I can deal a little better with the verbal and emotional abuse that I’m working towards getting away from.

Here’s an example. I’m from the east coast. Me and my little sister would run through fields close to our house when we were little and pick honeysuckle. I loved the smell and the softness. Not to mention the great time I shared with my sister.

honeysuckleI’ve lived in California since 1989, and it wasn’t until a couple weeks ago that I found honeysuckle here! I didn’t realize by looking at it, that’s what it was. I must have passed that bush 1,000 times before. But because my ex has taken my car away, it wasn’t until I was walking passed the bush that the smell reminded me exactly what it was.

I was so happy that first time that I cried. I stood there just smelling this bush that is hanging over a wall in someone’s backyard. Now, I walk passed it everyday and I take a moment to smell and really breathe in the scent and appreciate the fact that the plant is there to remind me that things have been good in the past and they will be good again, as long as I work hard.

It’s things like that – things I fully and completely appreciate – that keep me from taking that final step. Like when I get FaceTime-d by my kids just because they miss me and want me to tell them a story. Yeah, I know he’s going to get home and start in with the foulness, but I appreciate those moments so much. And that’s what keeps me moving towards my goal, even if it feels like it’s taking forever.

I will get there. And if I can get there, then YOU can get there. 

Look, I don’t know your situation. And I am completely aware that things could be worse for me and that things could be better for you. But I’ll say it again: If you feel like you have no options, please, call 1-800-273-8255 or go to SuicidePreventionLifeline.org.

Life can suck. Don’t give up. 

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A Little Writer’s Block Honesty

I’ve been grappling with writer’s block for about 2 weeks now, so I thought I would just put my heart out there for this week’s post.

It’s hard to talk about where I am now, considering what was my expectations for my life. As of last Monday, I moved out, and am now living at my mom’s with my 3 kids. I still have to go back and forth to the house to collect more things – I couldn’t get it all in one trip – but I got the necessities out for me and the girls. They’re pissed they don’t get to bring all their toys but what can you do, right?

I am normally a very private – I’d go so far to describe me as secretive – to everyone. No one really knows me, they know pieces here and there but no one knows the whole picture except maybe my sister, but even then that would be just a guess. It’s lonely.  It can be frustrating. And it definitely makes me like animals better than most people.

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Today was hard. It was the first day I saw my kids’ dad since I moved out last week. He picked up my youngest to spend a bit of time with her. The older two are away at camp until Thursday… a little one on one time together is a great thing. It’s strange and a bit depressing that there is this tension – I don’t know how to explain it. When I was living there, and all the shit talking and all the bullshit, there was always someone there.

I’m also a little nervous because my fund-raisers aren’t performing the way I would like. I need to do more research on it and how to execute it better, I believe. I want to do so much, then I get disappointed with myself when I don’t get done what I wanted. It’s a stupid cycle. Start to feel strength, get a bit ambitious, don’t complete what I wanted to, get depressed, fight to even get out of bed.

Today is one of those days. I was doing okay this morning then the ex calls to spend time with the baby. I was still good. Bath for the baby, I got dressed, then he comes and it was just awkward and tense. Then when he left, I was heart-broken, alone, worrying about if I made the right decision.

Then I ate all fucking day.

I love this feeling though. The feeling that the old is peeling away for the new; the feeling that I can do anything I want, and that I’m not a piece of shit. I am excited about what might be coming. I am trying to be optimistic – it’s a daily battle, but I keep trying.

Thank you so much for reading my blog! It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re helping me pursue not only my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. There are also t-shirts available (I also donate 25% of those contributions to the SurfRider Foundation). It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii in October 2017 as so to start connecting to our future there. Thank you all again so very much!