I’ve been grappling with writer’s block for about 2 weeks now, so I thought I would just put my heart out there for this week’s post.
It’s hard to talk about where I am now, considering what was my expectations for my life. As of last Monday, I moved out, and am now living at my mom’s with my 3 kids. I still have to go back and forth to the house to collect more things – I couldn’t get it all in one trip – but I got the necessities out for me and the girls. They’re pissed they don’t get to bring all their toys but what can you do, right?
I am normally a very private – I’d go so far to describe me as secretive – to everyone. No one really knows me, they know pieces here and there but no one knows the whole picture except maybe my sister, but even then that would be just a guess. It’s lonely. It can be frustrating. And it definitely makes me like animals better than most people.
Today was hard. It was the first day I saw my kids’ dad since I moved out last week. He picked up my youngest to spend a bit of time with her. The older two are away at camp until Thursday… a little one on one time together is a great thing. It’s strange and a bit depressing that there is this tension – I don’t know how to explain it. When I was living there, and all the shit talking and all the bullshit, there was always someone there.
I’m also a little nervous because my fund-raisers aren’t performing the way I would like. I need to do more research on it and how to execute it better, I believe. I want to do so much, then I get disappointed with myself when I don’t get done what I wanted. It’s a stupid cycle. Start to feel strength, get a bit ambitious, don’t complete what I wanted to, get depressed, fight to even get out of bed.
Today is one of those days. I was doing okay this morning then the ex calls to spend time with the baby. I was still good. Bath for the baby, I got dressed, then he comes and it was just awkward and tense. Then when he left, I was heart-broken, alone, worrying about if I made the right decision.
Then I ate all fucking day.
I love this feeling though. The feeling that the old is peeling away for the new; the feeling that I can do anything I want, and that I’m not a piece of shit. I am excited about what might be coming. I am trying to be optimistic – it’s a daily battle, but I keep trying.
Thank you so much for reading my blog! It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re helping me pursue not only my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. There are also t-shirts available (I also donate 25% of those contributions to the SurfRider Foundation). It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii in October 2017 as so to start connecting to our future there. Thank you all again so very much!