Check-in Time

It’s now my fourth day and I’m feeling good. Yesterday wasn’t awesome. I had my first ‘cravings’ for my old way of eating when I bought brownies for my kids. No to mention that we went to McDonald’s for ice cream since the kids were so good all day … Let’s start there.

A Fat Chick Walks into McDonald’s

I went to McDs with my kids, right? I’m feeling pretty strong. I’m thinking I’m going to get my dollar diet coke and a chicken salad (their salads are pretty good). I’m feeling STRONG; I’m feeling DETERMINED; I’m feeling … FRIES! No, wait, what? No fries! I got my kids food, got my drink, and sat down. I kept thinking if I fuck up today, then the last 3 days have been for nothing. I have already lost 2 pounds. I’m going to fuck up for fries?? I THINK NOT!

Being brave again, I head over to the ordering kiosk (Why I can’t just give my order to humans, is beyond me. Really, McDonald’s, like you don’t pay your people shitty enough, now they have to give up their cashier jobs to a machine? I digress). I find the salad I want, and it turns out, it’s about $5.50. I’m sorry, what? I’m broke. I just fed the 800 kids I have. I have a budget that needs to be adhered to. I rationalized it as, “This one has chicken. It’s expensive. Let’s just get a side salad. That will be fine.”

So, I tap into the side salad and BOOM $2.50. Two dollars and fifty cents for a cup of lettuce, two cherry tomatoes, and a tablespoon of shredded carrots. Not even fucking cheese. I am so serious.

Then I get the idea to get a burger ‘protein style’ (sans bun, wrapped in lettuce). I go to the burger section, and they have all these fancy burgers for $6 and up, but I’m just looking for a low brow cheeseburger. They are a fucking dollar. Seriously? So, I customize the burger so there’s no bun and it’s, instead, wrapped in lettuce. THEY CHARGED ME $0.25 TO DO THAT!

You can’t make this shit up.

What is it? My weight is connected to my wallet? I knew things like organic and that shit, but I was having them save a bun and wrap my burger in a single leaf of lettuce, and I had gotten charged a quarter? How much do buns cost? Seriously? I don’t know how i feel about that other than the fury that comes up. It’s like someone has control over me, over my body? I’m not into this at all. Any who … I had my $1.25 burger and my $1.00 diet coke. Ugh. I was sick – with the idea. The burger was kick ass.

Then There was Grocery Shopping

I made the mistake of hitting the grocery store while I’m hungry. It’s not that I started out hungry. My car is down temporarily so I walk everywhere. So, me and my wagon haul ourselves down to the local store. When I got there, it was fine. I wasn’t hungry. Until the doors opened. Then the smell of rotisserie chicken and the bakery kicked in. OMG it was brilliant. I loved it. I didn’t want to leave without eating every last piece of baked bread and cake and cookie. I love food. But I got through it. It took a minute for me to get through it. I wanted to eat everything. Then I started walking back home with my wagon, 4 gallons of milk, and by the time I got back to the house, the want to eat everything was out of me omg. I didn’t want to do anything.

When you switch over to this type of eating, you get tired quick. Your energy isn’t instant like when you’re eating carbs – simple sugars and shit. That’s instant energy. Protein is more a slow burning energy source. It takes a minute to adjust to the new energy stores. I’m in the “I want to sleep all day” phase right now. It sucks that I can’t. Kids. Job. Avoiding Doctor Psycho.

What I have found, is that I’m returning to a state of what I call, “Toddler-ism”, you know where you run them until all their energy is gone, then they crash out? That’s me right now. I was chronically up all night. Sleeping just 2 or 3 hours at a time. Now, I’m so exhausted, not only am I getting to 4 hours at a time, I’m sleeping thoroughly. Like, I’m sleeping deep, dreaming, out like a light sleep.

It’s brilliant.

Today, being day four, was the first day in i don’t know how long, where I woke up rested. Up until this morning, I didn’t even remember what that word means:


I thought it was a myth. Like good guys and one-size-fits-all.

But I woke up, got up, got the kids up, AND I was feeling good with a good mood. It was like the perfect morning. Then, of course, Doctor Psycho got up. But even that wasn’t as painful as normal.

Day 4 is Going Okay

Today is going pretty well. I brought my lunch to work. I ate my breakfast, and I have bourbon bbq marinating chicken for dinner tonight in the fridge! Greatest thing I found: Hard Boiled Eggs at the grocery store. Already boiled, in a bag, ready to go. Boom. Since I eat 2 eggs every  morning, this is a huge help. I got a pack of 6 for $2. They had a pack of 2, but that was $1, mind as well get the six pack one for $2.

The other thing I found which I have been using like NUTS is Oscar Meyer has this bacon bits of real actual bacon already cooked. Like you would put on salad, right? What I do, because I eat on the run and I don’t like the egg yokes, i open the hard boiled egg, take out the yoke, fill it with bacon, and shove it in my pie hole. Finger foods omelet.

So There it is

That’s where I am today. I have a little story for y’all in a bit. Other than that, cheerio! Shit. Now I want a bowl of cheerios.

Thank You So Much for Stopping by!

It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re not only helping me pursue my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii as to to start connecting to our future there. Also, if you can, please give me a follow on Twitter or InstagramThank you all again so very much!


Fat 2 Phat: A Letter to Me

Dear, well, me,

I know you’re staring down this journey and thinking you’re going to fail. Again. I know you’re thinking, “What’s going to be different this time?” You know what’s different? YOU ARE.

Up to this point, you’ve been practicing for today. You know your shit now; there’s no guessing about what to do. You know what works. You know HOW to get it done. Let’s turn that how into action.

I understand how proud you are of all the things you’ve accomplished socially while being heavy: Sexy boyfriends, you always make friends, three great kids… and yes, it’s nice to be more advanced socially than her* but she’s starting to catch up – I mean, she’s getting married for the second time and you haven’t even been married once (not that I want to judge personal growth on whether or not I’m married – it’s the idea that someone other than my family loves me wholly and completely, and demonstrates that publicly).

And you’re ‘fuck you’ attitude has really hurt your motivation.

Here’s where we are currently:

  1. You sleep on your side because your weight is causing shortness of breath.
  2. You’re always feeling warm because you’re now thickly insulated.
  3. You call your kids over to hand something or get something for you.
  4. You feel exhausted all the time causing a craving for sugar and to eat crap.
  5. You use food as a way to distract you from doing something you need to do but you don’t want to. I.E. Working out.
  6. You are the heaviest you have ever been. Ever. And that includes the weight of your ego.

It’s time for a serious change.

You’re on this journey to give yourself the very best gift you can: HEALTH. You can’t care for the kids while stuck in bed sick; and how long are you going to tolerate the knee pain, back pain, or the embarrassment. Or the pain of not fitting into your maternity clothes.

New Years Eve is 11 weeks away. That’s enough time to make serious changes for the better. Having better health adds to every one of our personal goals:

  • WE ARE ROCKABILLY – and vintage physiques are hourglass shape
  • WE ARE A GREAT WEDDING PLANNER – health exudes confidence and clients like a good looking planner
  • WE ARE AN ARTIST – being healthy makes it easier to hike with our art stuff
  • WE ARE BEAUTIFUL – our exterior will finally match what our mental image of our-self is
  • WE LIVE ALOHA – health releases endorphins helping control our depression

And there’s one more: WE ARE COMMITTED. You will do what it takes because this time you are completely ready and enthusiastic. You have a map for issues that come up (like running out of food money) and we will continue to adjust the plan as the obstacles come out.

One more thing: find an online or in-person support group. Since there is no one really in your life to help support you, seek out help through other people.

I love us, Laura. It’s time for us to treat ourselves with love and respect.

PS. We’re going to chat again in a month to see how things are moving. Don’t waste the time you have.


– * About the ‘she’ comment earlier: I have serious issues regarding my sister and our relationship. Not to go into too many details, but home-girl is the Devil. She told me about a month ago, “You can’t be a stay at home mom, barely clean the house, and look like shit. You’ll never keep a man that way.” That’s when the ‘Fuck You’ part of me comes bouncing on out. Fuck her, fuck that, fuck IT. Anyway, I’m trying to get away from her being a motivator on my journey, but I can’t help but think that it will crush her for me to get to where I’m going… she’s super vain like that.

Thank you so much for reading my blog! It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re not only helping me pursue my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii as to to start connecting to our future there. Also, if you can, please give me a follow on Twitter or InstagramThank you all again so very much!

Fat to Phat: The Start

**This article was updated 03/21/18**

As a 41 yo asshole, I cringe at the title of this article, too. ‘Phat’ is not my favorite word, but either is ‘fat’ so I think they compliment themselves perfectly. As you all know, my little world has been shaken up this year. Though, I would like to think I have my shit in order, considering my physical condition is a manifestation of my emotional state. What’s a good term for me to use to describe how I feel I look? Dumpy.

I am officially the 8th Dwarf. Continue reading

Depression Crafts: The Timer

I’ve been fighting depression for years now. There were times where I wouldn’t shower for weeks. I was a zombie. Though I am on Prozac now, I still struggle with some stuff. I shower now – on a regular basis (yay me) – and I take the kids out to the park pretty often. The Prozac really is pulling it’s weight here with me, but I still struggle with motivation, consistency, and what I call the ‘fuck it’ solution.

In this time, as I’ve been getting mentally stronger, I have been making a list of things that make me happy. I don’t mean like funnel cake happy, but little things that I can do every day to remind myself that life doesn’t suck, it’s mostly the depression. One thing I always enjoyed was doing my make-up.

In this case, I have to thank Jeremy Renner for the inspiration for today’s craft. What you may not know is he used to be a make-up artist. I didn’t know either! Then he was on Ellen… THEN this beautiful meme came out and found it’s way to me.  Continue reading

Introducing: Tending My Garden

I don’t want to hate everything; I want to feel like myself.

Have you looked in the mirror only to be like, “How the fuck did I get here?” I do believe that your physical life is just a reflection of what kind of state your inner self is in. I don’t know what you call that – or even if it has a definitive name – but that’s what I think.

I also know that fighting depression is one of the hardest things someone can do. Drugs, drinking, are both things that are very difficult to fight. I have come to understand those things are used as ways to self-treat mental conditions, depression for instance. See what I did there?

Well, I want to fight back. I’ve been on prozac for 5 months now and I’m feeling pretty strong, emotionally. I want to move forward with my life. I have a long road ahead of me but I’m going to set things in motion today. I cannot wait. I’m going to start making this a regular subject in my blog. And if there is someone (or someones) who want to do the same thing, cheers! We’ll do that together.


And to make it a little more interesting, I’m going to add in little prizes here and there for weekly goals. I thought tthat I would share that with everyone. I’m calling it: Tending My Garden (TMG). 🙂 Really, you reap what you sow and what better investment to make than in yourself.

I’m not just talking about physical health – I mean, that’s part of it for me, at least – but I’m talking about growing yourself into your best self.

I’m going to focus on 3 major points:

  1. Nutrition – what’s the point of taking care of yourself if you’re just going to abuse it with food?
  2. Working out – I am going to use a combination of weight training and cardio.
  3. Meditation – I don’t mean just sitting in a quiet room thinking. Mediation can happen while you’re doing anything that makes  you completely wholey happy.

I’m not an expert. The only thing I can tell you is how I’m going to do it. Everyone is different and what I’m doing for me may not be good for you. But I think we can all agree that eating a bit better, moving a bit more, and spending time doing things we like are all good ideas.

Unless you like doing heroin. I don’t think that is a good idea.

Anyway! Over the next couple days I will be banging out my little plan for everyone if you’re curious or if you want to participate just comment below. I am excited!

Thank you so much for reading my blog! It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re helping me pursue not only my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii in October 2017 as so to start connecting to our future there. Thank you all again so very much!