Things are Never Boring: Autism

Apparently, Karma thought it would be great, on top of everything else, to let me wrestle with the idea of my middle child having some developmental distress. I don’t know how else to say it. I can’t remember if I wrote it up last year so I’ll just start at the beginning.

First, My Sister is Brilliant

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My wonderful brilliant sister who lives in Hawaii is an accomplished family clinician. She has more letters after her name than are in the alphabet. When my kids ask me what she does for a living, I tell them that she’s a professional parent: Teaching parents to be better ones. She my best friend and I completely and whole-heartedly trust her.

You may recall that last year Me and my little ones went out to visit her for a week. It was a brilliant time and we had so much fun, got a lot of emotional work done, and was able to do some bonding with her kids and she with mine (up to this point, she hadn’t met my kids or visa versa in person).

Towards the end of our trip, she sat down with me to let me know she had concerns about my middle child. She said she observed distressing trends in her behavior that are conducive to a child who falls on the Autism Spectrum, and advised I get her assessed right away.

I get it’s my Fault

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Once I got back from Hawaii, I called the insurance and got phone numbers to doctors to take her to. I called them all and they advised me (4 of them btw) that they would have had been treated at a hospital before they could see her as a patient. I didn’t understand. I was frustrated. I ignored it. For months.

My sister and I were chatting a few months later and she asked me what the result was about the ASD assessment (Autism Spectrum Disorder) went. I told her that I just didn’t have time to address it right now. –> I live with a verbally and emotionally abusive man (my kids’ father), I had no job, and I was trying already to manage finding solutions to getting out of there.

One thing that I love (and get so frustrated about, too) with my sister is very frank with me. She is the epitome of  ‘not giving a fuck.’ I told her that once I can get out of the house, I can focus on getting her assessed but I have to get out of the house. She was like, “Look. I get it. You have a lot of big things going on right now and this is something that’s really big. But you have to do this. You can’t put it off. If she does fall on the ASD, then there is help you can get including finding housing. You have to do this.”

No one wants to think their child isn’t perfect. Maybe it’s my guilt: My middle one has always had it a little tougher. She was premature 5 weeks, born with a hole in her lung, 5 lbs-ish, and stuck in isolation for what seemed like forever.

She’s always had behavior issues. Hiding, she can’t be without her blanket, emotional outbursts, irrational intermittent fears, and the list goes on. Those things aren’t even the social aspect of it. That’s just at home. She doesn’t really make friends. She’s afraid of people in general and has a paralyzing fear of getting lost. I’m worried for her. As a mom, I know there’s something different about her, compared to other kids her age. Her teacher says the seems to be about 2 years behind in maturing.

The delay is my fault. I’m scared that there is something wrong. Maybe not wrong – more like I’m afraid she’s going to have to work extra hard for what others do easily, and I’m afraid she’s just going to give up the effort and heaven forbid she has to be alone or miserable. Like me. She deserves love and friends and joy. Those things I want to come easy for her.

But it doesn’t. I mean, as of right now, it doesn’t. Ignoring or delaying taking her to get help isn’t going to make things better for her. They are already hard. I want her to learn better ways so she can do better in an easier time.

I Made the Appointment

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Anyway, after all the fear and depression stopping me from moving, this morning, I made the appointment for her. The earliest appointment available is fucking June but I took it.

I’m frustrated because of my own doing. I waited and now I just want the assessment over so I can see what the next step is and I won’t know that until June. Not even like June 1st, but June 14th! I just want it done with so I can move forward with helping her.

Thank You So Much for Stopping by!

It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re not only helping me pursue my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii as to to start connecting to our future there. Also, if you can, please give me a follow on Twitter or InstagramThank you all again so very much!

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How Do I Describe Depression

Depression is like when Mr. Incredible got stuck in Syndrome’s lair … I have kids; all my references are going to be cartoon-based. It’s accurate just the same.

Depression stage 1

You don’t really know what’s going on. You dismiss it as being nothing or just bad day, and you think you move forward. Until, one thing makes you realize, you’re not moving anywhere.

Depression stage 2

You don’t know it, but it’s already too late. You are disoriented. You’re struggling to grab onto something to pull you out … But there’s nothing there to help you. You just keep getting hit. .

Depression stage 3

You know you’re in trouble, but you’re completely alone. You have the weight of everything on your shoulders and you feel like you’re going to stop breathing.

depression stage 4

Of course, you don’t. You keep breathing. But all the strength you had is gone. All you can do is lie there in your bed, look at the ceiling, and pray for someone to pull you out of the darkness. Don’t be fooled: No one ever comes. In the end, you just allow the waves of life to wash you away into nothingness.

And that is every day of your life.

Thank You So Much for Stopping by!

It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re not only helping me pursue my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii as to to start connecting to our future there. Also, if you can, please give me a follow on Twitter or InstagramThank you all again so very much!

A Little Bedtime Anecdote

So, my kids’ dad took the kids camping for 4 days, leaving today. I haven’t had time without at least one of my kids, in idk how long. Of course, he couldn’t just leave, he had to be an ass about leaving, by saying that I need to do everything he usually does around the house while he’s gone. Since I do nothing and he’s the only one who does anything at anytime around the house.

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Thank You So Much for Stopping by!

It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re not only helping me pursue my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii as to to start connecting to our future there. Also, if you can, please give me a follow on Twitter or InstagramThank you all again so very much!

Restarting My Restart

Abridged Version: I’m a fat, SAHM w/ no job, and now my bf (of 17 years) and I have broke up. He advised me to move out. He took the car. I have my 3 kids, no job, no car, no home, no family out here, and no friends. I am looking to change my entire life.

I had laid out my plan herewith more details for you to peruse through. I’m doing a reset of my life, I’m just struggling with how to do it. It feels like every little thing is just so big, not to mention there are about 100 things I’m ignoring that are also big, just because I don’t have the ability to do anything about it right now.

This week is going to be a big mile stone.

Since I have been a SAHM, I let a lot of things go to better my family relationship. Out of all the things I let go and lapse, the biggest thing I need right now is a replacement ID. It lapsed a couple years ago but I never did anything about it because, really, why did I need it?

Turns out you need it for everything. I mean everything.

SO, Thursday, I have my appointment to the DMV to get my ID. 🙂 That’s my first step to restarting my life. After that, things will start moving faster but first thing is first. 🙂

I can’t wait to get that first step going. I’m a little nervous but this is a good thing. I think that nervous energy is a good feeling. Getting it done on my own and moving forward.

Thank You So Much

Thank you so much for reading my blog! It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re not only helping me pursue my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii as to to start connecting to our future there. Also, if you can, please give me a follow on Twitter or InstagramThank you all again so very much!

Fat 2 Phat: A Letter to Me

Dear, well, me,

I know you’re staring down this journey and thinking you’re going to fail. Again. I know you’re thinking, “What’s going to be different this time?” You know what’s different? YOU ARE.

Up to this point, you’ve been practicing for today. You know your shit now; there’s no guessing about what to do. You know what works. You know HOW to get it done. Let’s turn that how into action.

I understand how proud you are of all the things you’ve accomplished socially while being heavy: Sexy boyfriends, you always make friends, three great kids… and yes, it’s nice to be more advanced socially than her* but she’s starting to catch up – I mean, she’s getting married for the second time and you haven’t even been married once (not that I want to judge personal growth on whether or not I’m married – it’s the idea that someone other than my family loves me wholly and completely, and demonstrates that publicly).

And you’re ‘fuck you’ attitude has really hurt your motivation.

Here’s where we are currently:

  1. You sleep on your side because your weight is causing shortness of breath.
  2. You’re always feeling warm because you’re now thickly insulated.
  3. You call your kids over to hand something or get something for you.
  4. You feel exhausted all the time causing a craving for sugar and to eat crap.
  5. You use food as a way to distract you from doing something you need to do but you don’t want to. I.E. Working out.
  6. You are the heaviest you have ever been. Ever. And that includes the weight of your ego.

It’s time for a serious change.

You’re on this journey to give yourself the very best gift you can: HEALTH. You can’t care for the kids while stuck in bed sick; and how long are you going to tolerate the knee pain, back pain, or the embarrassment. Or the pain of not fitting into your maternity clothes.

New Years Eve is 11 weeks away. That’s enough time to make serious changes for the better. Having better health adds to every one of our personal goals:

  • WE ARE ROCKABILLY – and vintage physiques are hourglass shape
  • WE ARE A GREAT WEDDING PLANNER – health exudes confidence and clients like a good looking planner
  • WE ARE AN ARTIST – being healthy makes it easier to hike with our art stuff
  • WE ARE BEAUTIFUL – our exterior will finally match what our mental image of our-self is
  • WE LIVE ALOHA – health releases endorphins helping control our depression

And there’s one more: WE ARE COMMITTED. You will do what it takes because this time you are completely ready and enthusiastic. You have a map for issues that come up (like running out of food money) and we will continue to adjust the plan as the obstacles come out.

One more thing: find an online or in-person support group. Since there is no one really in your life to help support you, seek out help through other people.

I love us, Laura. It’s time for us to treat ourselves with love and respect.

PS. We’re going to chat again in a month to see how things are moving. Don’t waste the time you have.

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– * About the ‘she’ comment earlier: I have serious issues regarding my sister and our relationship. Not to go into too many details, but home-girl is the Devil. She told me about a month ago, “You can’t be a stay at home mom, barely clean the house, and look like shit. You’ll never keep a man that way.” That’s when the ‘Fuck You’ part of me comes bouncing on out. Fuck her, fuck that, fuck IT. Anyway, I’m trying to get away from her being a motivator on my journey, but I can’t help but think that it will crush her for me to get to where I’m going… she’s super vain like that.

Thank you so much for reading my blog! It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re not only helping me pursue my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii as to to start connecting to our future there. Also, if you can, please give me a follow on Twitter or InstagramThank you all again so very much!

Fat to Phat: The Start

**This article was updated 03/21/18**

As a 41 yo asshole, I cringe at the title of this article, too. ‘Phat’ is not my favorite word, but either is ‘fat’ so I think they compliment themselves perfectly. As you all know, my little world has been shaken up this year. Though, I would like to think I have my shit in order, considering my physical condition is a manifestation of my emotional state. What’s a good term for me to use to describe how I feel I look? Dumpy.

I am officially the 8th Dwarf. Continue reading

How ACV Made Me Feel Old

Everyone has heard how Apple Cider Vinegar (ACV) is supposed to be brilliant for your health. On my quest for better health, I thought I would try it.

So, without too much research (no common sense), I grabbed a bottle of ACV, measured out 2 tablespoons, and chugged it hardcore; just like that.

I thought I was going to die.

Screaming and running around the house to figure out what the fuck to do next, I was thinking, “how old am I?! I used to shoot 151 and Jack straight! What the fuck is my problem?!”

I likened it to drinking gasoline.

With a little more research (while on webmd.com to triage myself), I found out you’re supposed to dilute it. Who knew? Turns out it can really hurt you if you drink it straight….

First, I wanted to vomit, but I didn’t want to have that burn my esophagus a second time. Now that I’m thinking about it, what’s going to burn when I shit it out?!

Oh, Lord …

Anyway, still determined to ingest this poison, I found a recipe online that I’m going to try. I will let you know how how it goes, once I get the fear of this shit out of my mind.

On a separate point, I can understand how it would aid weight loss. After I drank this ACV toxin, I was nauseated the rest of the day.

Thank you so much for reading my blog! It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re not only helping me pursue my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii as to start connecting to our future there. Also, if you can, please give me a follow on Twitter or InstagramThank you all again so very much!