I Need to Unload my Brain

Time to play a little catch-up here. This is going to take a minute. 

I’ve Been Working Real Hard

There’s a whole lot of things going on that I have on my mind. I don’t know where to start and there are going to be some details I can’t get into. Of course, it’s just that complicated.

First, I’ve been looking for a job, as you all know. I got a great interview with a great company that I can’t wait to work for, doing exactly what I’ve been trained to do. Great pay. Great potential. They haven’t called me back yet. I know I’m a perfect fit for this job. And the pay is exactly what I’m looking for. Benefits are great. Everything is aligning in the most perfect and unexpected manner. But they haven’t called yet. Why not? I know I’m freaking myself out about it. I know that they know I am perfect for their position. I just want the waiting to be over and hire me already! JUST HIRE ME ALREADY!

Second, my ex and I haven’t been meshing very well at all and I know the kids feel it. That kills me. The last couple times my kids have been at his house, the baby has called me crying about how much she misses her mom. I went and picked her up at like 9:30 pm last week! I love my babies and I want them with me all the time. I don’t know exactly how to put that into action. 

Third, I’ve been here and there with my sis-in-law. She’s great and amazing and they’ve done so much for me and my kids. Her negativity and her controlling is starting to wear on me. I have to try really hard to keep my mouth shut. And I think it’s starting to affect how my body is functioning … Which leads me to number four:

Fourth, I hurt my back and I can’t tell you how. Like, i can’t lift anything off of the floor. Like when I try to yoga, I don’t need a helping brick, I need a helping chair. I’ve tried everything from heating pads to Advil to ice packs to Vicodin. Nothing works. And the pain goes right down my leg. It was on the right side of my body, but now it’s my left. My sis-in-law thinks it might be from carrying my extra heavy laptop bags and shit around every day, so because she’s so super wonderful, she brought me home a great new bag for my laptop and shit. It has a shoulder strap and it’s also a backpack – maybe that will help with the distribution of the weight. I’ll try anything at this point. I can’t even really shower properly!

Fifth, I’ve been going out for a little while and having some ‘fun.’ I started seeing someone. Nothing committed and we don’t have sex (any kind of sex – I’m so not ready for that, omg), but we take walks, talk on the phone, and kiss. I forgot how much I liked holding hands with someone. I forgot how much I liked being kissed. How do people forget that? I forgot that there are men out there who aren’t just assholes, thinking only of themselves. The other great thing about this man: I’ve known him forever. Maybe since about 15 years old. We’ve always been friends. We lost touch for a while. I would run into him every now and again around town but nothing consistent. He’s just finished getting divorced and me with my recent (I guess not so recent anymore) break-up … We’re kind of holding each other up right now. It’s nice to care about someone who also cares about me as a person. That was one of the things with my ex: Everything was about sex. I wasn’t a person after a while; I was just a hole to fuck. Sorry, I don’t mean to offend anyone but that’s as accurate a statement as I can make. Let me change that. This is my blog and I’ll post what the fuck I want. That being said, I think being honest to others (and by extension with myself) will help me to heal and move forward faster and better. Me and my male caller are not dating but we’re more than friends. At this point, I’m just taking things day by day, with the anticipation that it’s all going to end. I’m just enjoying the companionship. 

That doesn’t mean I don’t go out with other guys or people. This one in particular just ‘gets me.’ He understands what I’m feeling because he’s feeling it too. I like that he doesn’t have all the answers. I like that he asks me about my day and just out of nowhere will send me nice little sayings and thoughts, just because they made him think of me. He’s just a nice person who knows me and whom I know. And that makes me feel less alone. 

Sixth, I got a new client for my wedding planning for a wedding in April. They’re taking a little extra time getting their things over and it’s making me anxious too. I know they’re still going to go with me, but I really want them to have their contract and everything in already! I’ve never been great at waiting. 

In the Days to Come

Though I know I have a lot of work to do in order to bring my life back to where I want it to be, I am so grateful and thankful for all that I have. I live with my wonderful brother and sis-in-law. I live with my nephew who I just adore. I am able to be an effective mom who is capable of showering my kids with love. –> side note: When my parents divorced, my ma was an emotional mess and wasn’t able to give emotionally as much as I needed. Though I understand, I want to make a deliberate effort to give my kids all the love I can. <–

I love that I get to be a wedding planner. It’s like figuring out what you were made to do and then getting to do it. I love that. I love all the possibilities that are bubbling up right now. That gives me more hope for the future for me and my kids. And Hope is the start of everything. 

Thanks for Stopping By!

It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re not only helping me pursue my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii as to to start connecting to our future there. Also, if you can, please give me a follow on Twitter or InstagramThank you all again so very much!



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My Update and #Before42 Intro

It’s been five months since I was kicked out with nothing. I went to live with my brother while I’m looking for work that could sustain me and my kids. I’m still looking. I want to focus on how far I’ve come. So, I’m going to talk to you about life immediately after an abusive relationship ends. Continue reading My Update and #Before42 Intro

MOST IMPORTANT DAY: Election day

There’s little I hate more than people who complain about society and then don’t fucking vote.

The problem I have with Colin Kapaernik was not that he was kneeling during the Anthem, but that, when it came time to vote, he OBSTAINED. Who does that? You’re intension was to bring to light all the bullshit and then when it came to you doing something that can actually affect the very situation that you’re protesting, you obstain. OBSTAIN. It wasn’t that he wasn’t allowed to vote – he CHOSE not to vote. That’s like complaining that you’re getting burned at the stove but refusing to use an oven mit.

Don’t be a Colin. Vote. Vote until your little heart is full of joy. Vote. Change life as you know it; as I know it; as our children will know it. Vote. Yeah, you should be paying attention to politics. I know it’s not as fun as watching football or baseball. I know it feels like homework to have to do all the reading. VOTE! This is YOUR future that we are voting on.

As much as the stupid tax cut hurt regular people, as much as the hate and bigotry has created hostility throughout the country; as much as the divide between parties and between people has become this huge, gaping, chasm – If you don’t get out there and vote, then you lose all right to bitch and complain about one little fucking thing. Sales tax? Too bad. You don’t like all the fucked up roads? Suck it up, buttercup. Your rep in the Senate doesn’t vote the way you want? Tough shit. You don’t vote, then you can’t say shit.

Go out and vote today. Just vote. Vote however you feel is right, just vote.

VOTE

Separation, Birthdays, and Holidays

The last couple months have been whizzing by. I’ve been very distracted with trying to find decent work and saving money for a place of my own. I’m sure my brother is over me sleeping on his sofa … As am I. So, it seems very quickly, holidays and celebrations have come and can’t be put off anymore. I need to get to planning! Separation isn’t awesome. You know what sucks more? Talking about the separation with the person you’re separated from. Continue reading Separation, Birthdays, and Holidays

The First Date After Separation

My 10 year old came home last week and wanted to know what Tinder was.

“Why do you want to know what Tinder is?” I asked, fearing the answer.

“Dad is talking to a lady on there and I don’t know what that means.”

I think I stopped breathing. Seventeen years and not two months go by, and he’s already looking for some strange. “Are you fucking kidding me??” I didn’t really mean for that to be out loud, but I can’t go back in time so … Continue reading The First Date After Separation