Apparently, Karma thought it would be great, on top of everything else, to let me wrestle with the idea of my middle child having some developmental distress. I don’t know how else to say it. I can’t remember if I wrote it up last year so I’ll just start at the beginning.
First, My Sister is Brilliant
My wonderful brilliant sister who lives in Hawaii is an accomplished family clinician. She has more letters after her name than are in the alphabet. When my kids ask me what she does for a living, I tell them that she’s a professional parent: Teaching parents to be better ones. She my best friend and I completely and whole-heartedly trust her.
You may recall that last year Me and my little ones went out to visit her for a week. It was a brilliant time and we had so much fun, got a lot of emotional work done, and was able to do some bonding with her kids and she with mine (up to this point, she hadn’t met my kids or visa versa in person).
Towards the end of our trip, she sat down with me to let me know she had concerns about my middle child. She said she observed distressing trends in her behavior that are conducive to a child who falls on the Autism Spectrum, and advised I get her assessed right away.
I get it’s my Fault
Once I got back from Hawaii, I called the insurance and got phone numbers to doctors to take her to. I called them all and they advised me (4 of them btw) that they would have had been treated at a hospital before they could see her as a patient. I didn’t understand. I was frustrated. I ignored it. For months.
My sister and I were chatting a few months later and she asked me what the result was about the ASD assessment (Autism Spectrum Disorder) went. I told her that I just didn’t have time to address it right now. –> I live with a verbally and emotionally abusive man (my kids’ father), I had no job, and I was trying already to manage finding solutions to getting out of there.
One thing that I love (and get so frustrated about, too) with my sister is very frank with me. She is the epitome of ‘not giving a fuck.’ I told her that once I can get out of the house, I can focus on getting her assessed but I have to get out of the house. She was like, “Look. I get it. You have a lot of big things going on right now and this is something that’s really big. But you have to do this. You can’t put it off. If she does fall on the ASD, then there is help you can get including finding housing. You have to do this.”
No one wants to think their child isn’t perfect. Maybe it’s my guilt: My middle one has always had it a little tougher. She was premature 5 weeks, born with a hole in her lung, 5 lbs-ish, and stuck in isolation for what seemed like forever.
She’s always had behavior issues. Hiding, she can’t be without her blanket, emotional outbursts, irrational intermittent fears, and the list goes on. Those things aren’t even the social aspect of it. That’s just at home. She doesn’t really make friends. She’s afraid of people in general and has a paralyzing fear of getting lost. I’m worried for her. As a mom, I know there’s something different about her, compared to other kids her age. Her teacher says the seems to be about 2 years behind in maturing.
The delay is my fault. I’m scared that there is something wrong. Maybe not wrong – more like I’m afraid she’s going to have to work extra hard for what others do easily, and I’m afraid she’s just going to give up the effort and heaven forbid she has to be alone or miserable. Like me. She deserves love and friends and joy. Those things I want to come easy for her.
But it doesn’t. I mean, as of right now, it doesn’t. Ignoring or delaying taking her to get help isn’t going to make things better for her. They are already hard. I want her to learn better ways so she can do better in an easier time.
I Made the Appointment
Anyway, after all the fear and depression stopping me from moving, this morning, I made the appointment for her. The earliest appointment available is fucking June but I took it.
I’m frustrated because of my own doing. I waited and now I just want the assessment over so I can see what the next step is and I won’t know that until June. Not even like June 1st, but June 14th! I just want it done with so I can move forward with helping her.
Thank You So Much for Stopping by!
It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re not only helping me pursue my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii as to to start connecting to our future there. Also, if you can, please give me a follow on Twitter or Instagram. Thank you all again so very much!