The First Date After Separation

My 10 year old came home last week and wanted to know what Tinder was.

“Why do you want to know what Tinder is?” I asked, fearing the answer.

“Dad is talking to a lady on there and I don’t know what that means.”

I think I stopped breathing. Seventeen years and not two months go by, and he’s already looking for some strange. “Are you fucking kidding me??” I didn’t really mean for that to be out loud, but I can’t go back in time so …

My kid looked at me with just horror in her eyes. Not that she’s never heard me use the F bomb before, but because she thought she did something wrong in regards to telling me about Tinder.

“Mom? Are you mad at me? I’m sorry I don’t know what that is.”

First Job is Always Being a Mom

“no, my sweet angel.” Your dad is just an asshole hooker who can’t keep it in his pants for 10 minutes. “This has nothing to do with you. You are wonderful.”

“Then why are you crying?”

Wow. I didn’t even notice I was. The fact of the matter is: I love my ex. I will always love my ex. And even though I’m in a lot of pain right now, aside from all the bullshit and abuse there was, I know that I only have this deep pain because the love I had, and have, for him is real and deep. There are people who can go their whole life without being truly in love with another human being. I am honored to say  that I was lucky enough to experience it. That being said, I’ll be damned if he’s going to go out on Tinder fucking everything with a heartbeat while I stay at home, crying and watching sad movies.

The Decision was Made

I have a friend of mine that I’ve known for probably almost 20 years. He’s a nice guy, a little younger than me, and we are pretty open with each other. He had helped my move my ma (and myself) and gave 10000% for it, and we agreed that we would go out  together for an evening. Honestly, i had been putting it off because 1. he’s my friend and since I don’t have many friends, i didn’t want to fuck up a friendship and 2. we’ve always been friends. We’ve never explored the possibility of being more than friends and so it was just unchartered territory for me. Rebound or not, it was a risk to our friendship.

The whole Tinder thing put me over the top. I called my friend, said, “Let’s go out.” He was like, “Cool.” and that was that. The date was for Friday night.

I Can Hold My Own

Friday comes and I suddenly find myself nervous. Frankly, I was freaking out. Looking back, i don’t know why. I’ve gone out with him a hundred times. We always had fun,. Usually argued about little shit. And that was that. But he’s always been kind to me and generous. Those are two qualities that men should have.

I went through my entire wardrobe and came up empty-handed. Except for my 4″ too short Wonder Woman jogging pants, there wasn’t anything that fit. My SIL was so nice to let me raid her closet but there was nothing in there for me. She had set me up with like 3 pairs of jeans … I couldn’t get any over my ass.

Break up weight sits in the hips, just FYI.

It took me like forever to find something to wear, but I finally found it. Jeans, shiny blouse, leopard shoes, and my vintage hair rolls. I have an hourglass figure, just all the sand is at the bottom. Curves and all, I can hold my own. I was pretty happy about how the whole look came together. It had a great retro feel to it.

However, I was the first one to faux pas that night. I let him know that I was running a bit late and to come around 730 instead of 700 pm. Ugh. I HATE being late. I didn’t realize exactly how fat I had become … So of course finding something to wear wasn’t about aesthetic, it was a wrestling match with my self-esteem.

So, 730 came and went. Then i get a text at just about 8pm, announcing that he was outside waiting for me. I look at my SIL and she looks at me and says, “Why doesn’t he come to the door like a normal person?” That was a very good question. So I text him, “Why don’t you come to the door like a normal person?”

A few moments later, I heard a knock at the door. And here we go.

In the (Awkward) Beginning…

My SIL says when she answered the door, he seemed nervous. I have no idea why he would be nervous, we’ve gone out a hundred times before. He didn’t seem nervous to me. Maybe my SIL was just trying to make me feel better. We said adios to my SIL and went to the car where he opened my door for me. He had just bought a new car so he was showing me all the bells and whistles. It’s a nice car. Cars don’t really impress me on a romantic level, but I was so happy that my friend got a new car. He had been working really hard the last few years dealing with shit; he deserves a new car.

I don’t know why, but i found myself staring out the window, almost in silent reflection. I never thought that I would ever be in another man’s car on a date. I thought my ex was going to be the last person I ever date. To be out with someone else felt very strange. Once I was aware of it, i really tried my damnedest to not let it leak out into our evening. We’ll get to that a little later.

The Venue

We went to this bar that he picked out with the intention of me enjoying myself. It was really right up my alley. It was this two-story bar with a bowling alley, video games, jenga, foosball, and lots of people. It was exactly what I needed. A night out with adults, socializing and being fabulous. We get upstairs, walk around quick to see what’s what, and then sat at the bar. The place was packed but we were kind of in a corner by the bathrooms. Not the most ideal place but it was okay.

Our bartender, God I wish i knew his name, was BRILLIANT. I think he’s my new best friend. My friend doesn’t drink … which i didn’t know. If i had, i wouldn’t have suggested hitting a bar. So he sat there sipping water while i put back my Guinness. I don’t drink every day, or even every month, but I can hold my own. I put back three Guinness and then several comped shots of whiskey, and then there was a man at the other end of the bar that had bought me a drink. I was fine. It was just so nice to get out and talk to people.

With all the new socializing, the nice people, the booze, and shit, i still found myself in the ladies’ room, crying. I’m not sure why. Then I would clean myself up, reapply make-up, and go back out to the bar as if everything was fine. I’m sure my friend thinks I have a bladder issue or something. LOL I was in there often. When you think your life is going to go one way, even if it’s a shitty way, when that way – that dependability – is gone, it totally brain-fucks you.

We had nice conversation while at the bar. He did insist on playing his video game so he wouldn’t lose his energy or something, but it was while I was in the bathroom crying so you can’t really hate on that. We have a difference in opinion regarding the homeless population and what we can create if people are treated with dignity instead of contempt. That conversation took up a little time. I’m not sure why, but he wanted to know what Alcohol does to me, so that he would know how to react. I’m an Amazon Princess. Alcohol does nothing to me. I am a rock. Except vodka. Seriously, fuck vodka.

He did pull out my chair for me, which was very polite. I had cut my finger on my beer can (I’ll give you the reason for that later) and he was kind enough to give me a napkin to stop the bleeding. It was me versus the can and I won. That’s all that matters. But between crying in the bathroom and faking friends in the bar, i was getting emotionally drained.

Dinner Time

Around midnight we decided to leave and go grab some dinner. We walked around the area for a bit, looking for a restaurant, only to find, on a Friday night, nothing was open passed 12 am. So, it was off to Denny’s.

I like Denny’s. Always have. There’s nothing better than French Toast and a diet Coke at 1 am. I was getting a little tired but we were still hanging out. The service was great and the food was lovely. I got the impression that he wasn’t too into Denny’s that night. I don’t know why. I loved it.

I told him that I decided I’m going to get my first tattoo. Through the course of talking about it, i had mentioned that I don’t have any tattoos. I’m a piercer. I have my ears pierced 3 on each, i’ve had my boobs done, my hands done, and my clit. Well, that was all he could talk about for a minute. Sometimes, i regret having the mouth I have. I don’t really have the gating mechanism to stop me from saying things. It all just kind of falls out. I should’ve known clit piercings were probably not the best topic for a first date but, again, my brain wasn’t there to stop me.

That’s a Wrap, Folks!

I really was tired at that point. I think he tried to hold my hands but I shut that down. I really appreciated going out, and i really needed the social break. I knew that no matter what happened during our evening out, our friendship wasn’t going to be damaged.

He took me home and walked me to the door. He gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. As I walked into the house, i can remember feeling so defeated. I felt like i failed in some way because I wasn’t able to leave the past in the past. I wasn’t able to really enjoy a night out. But that’s when I got my epiphany. I’m hurting this bad because I loved that deeply. And no matter what my ex might be doing, I’m not going to let that cheapen the fact that I trusted someone and loved someone enough to let them into my life, my heart, and my soul. And the more I think about it, the more i wouldn’t change that for anything.

Yeah, I’m a broken little pile of mess, surrounded by kids, and getting shit on from every which way. But I am so strong to be able to have risked that heartbreak, that pain, that type of betrayal. I can honestly say that I loved my ex with every fiber of my being and I will never be ashamed of that. It’s going to take me a long time to recover from those wounds and from the last 17 years. And I have to come to terms with the fact that the person I fell in love with is gone, and now this mean, abusive man has taken his place.

I don’t know how things are going to unfold. I don’t know how to heal faster or better. I do promise you this: I will let you all know what I’m doing and maybe what I’m doing can help you too. But know that if you’re going through a divorce, a separation, a break-up or whatever, You’re not alone. I’m going to try to be as honest as I can on here to show you that you’re not alone. I’m going through it with you. It may not be the coolest thing, but this is the Divorce Club. You shouldn’t go through this alone. Here, you will always have someone to bitch with, cry with, and plot fictional revenge with.

Thank You So Much for Stopping by!

It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re not only helping me pursue my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii as to to start connecting to our future there. Also, if you can, please give me a follow on Twitter or InstagramThank you all again so very much!

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Never a Dull Moment: Stitches

So, it’s been 2 months now since I’ve had to move in with my brother and his family. Things have been leveling out and I even got my car back. The kids are out of town camping this week and then school starts. Of course, it wouldn’t be me if there wasn’t a trip to the ER.

Continue reading Never a Dull Moment: Stitches

It Happened: I’m Homeless

Things have been shit for a while, right? Though we were coping the best way we could, it’s been torture. Being in the same house with the person you’ve been in love with for 17 years, the father of your children, and the center of your world… Well, the world ended. Continue reading It Happened: I’m Homeless

Autism: Tomorrow is the Day

I had wrote a little while ago about my daughter and that I was going to be taking her to be assessed for the Autism Spectrum. If you recall, I was a little pissy that it was going to take more than a month to get an appointment. Well, guess what? The appointment is tomorrow. Why can’t it be next week? I should reschedule … Continue reading Autism: Tomorrow is the Day

Let’s Talk About Suicide

Though a difficult subject to address, I believe it’s an important one. If you feel like you have no options, please, call 1-800-273-8255 or go to
SuicidePreventionLifeline.org Life can suck. Don’t give up.

As you all know, it’s been a pretty shit year for me:

  1. End of my 17-year relationship but still having to co-habitate
  2. Having to transition from Housewife to finding a full time job
  3. Three kids who depend on me
  4. My mom (BFF) moving 2,500 miles away
  5. Being completely alone
  6. Super over-weight
  7. Not to mention I’m now 41

Those are my top 7.

I don’t know how I don’t commit suicide. Maybe it’s stubbornness. I’ll be damned if he’s going to raise these kids. I’LL BE DAMNED.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about it. How much easier it would be for me if I were to save my kids from having to have me as a mom. Since I don’t have anyone who is really affected by my existence other than them, it’s tempting. Real tempting. I mean it’s real tempting.

For me, what stops me is my kids. My three little faces that look to me for guidance, protection, advice, care, support. And of course, to feed them. That stops me from just saying, “Fuck it.”

What I haven’t figured out is how to use that motivation – that energy or love if you will – to help me change those 7 things I listed. But I’m working on it. And the ‘working’ part entertains my mind enough to keep me moving forward – even if it’s slowly.

What I’ve been doing is celebrating little successes. I mean little. Specifically, some days if I don’t commit suicide, I celebrate that. That in itself is a win for me. Some days, I’m happy with getting out of bed, even if I didn’t do anything else. Some days, I’m happy if I stay a little time in the sunshine or in the moonlight. What I try to do is find one thing – doesn’t matter what it is – and truly appreciate it for a moment. And then I find something else to appreciate for a moment. I just do that over and over again. Then, when I get back to the house, I can deal a little better with the verbal and emotional abuse that I’m working towards getting away from.

Here’s an example. I’m from the east coast. Me and my little sister would run through fields close to our house when we were little and pick honeysuckle. I loved the smell and the softness. Not to mention the great time I shared with my sister.

honeysuckleI’ve lived in California since 1989, and it wasn’t until a couple weeks ago that I found honeysuckle here! I didn’t realize by looking at it, that’s what it was. I must have passed that bush 1,000 times before. But because my ex has taken my car away, it wasn’t until I was walking passed the bush that the smell reminded me exactly what it was.

I was so happy that first time that I cried. I stood there just smelling this bush that is hanging over a wall in someone’s backyard. Now, I walk passed it everyday and I take a moment to smell and really breathe in the scent and appreciate the fact that the plant is there to remind me that things have been good in the past and they will be good again, as long as I work hard.

It’s things like that – things I fully and completely appreciate – that keep me from taking that final step. Like when I get FaceTime-d by my kids just because they miss me and want me to tell them a story. Yeah, I know he’s going to get home and start in with the foulness, but I appreciate those moments so much. And that’s what keeps me moving towards my goal, even if it feels like it’s taking forever.

I will get there. And if I can get there, then YOU can get there. 

Look, I don’t know your situation. And I am completely aware that things could be worse for me and that things could be better for you. But I’ll say it again: If you feel like you have no options, please, call 1-800-273-8255 or go to SuicidePreventionLifeline.org.

Life can suck. Don’t give up.