My NYE wasn’t that exciting. Played pictionary with my brother and his family. They went to bed. I stayed up, had a glass of champagne (that I ended up dumping out – turns out I don’t care for champagne. Who knew?), and stayed up until 3 am working on my wonder woman cross stitch. #CaptainExcitement.
Yesterday, I talked about the #MindsetReset. Today, I have to pick one thing to change or improve in each of the following categories:
My Body: I can’t just say ‘everything?’ Really, I would like to be at my goal weight of 170 this year. To give you an idea, that’s 100 pounds from now. Yikes. But I’ve got 12 months. I can do this.
My Work: I want to make being a wedding planner a successful, full- time career for me. Something consistent, that will allow me to get my own place and take care of my kids without issue.
My Money: I would want to have enough money to live comfortably, take care of my kids, and have a surplus to be able to help people around me.
My Love Life: I would like to meet someone that I could have as my forever person. Someone who loves me and the kids, and won’t be a raging dick hole all the time. I don’t know if I’m ready for all that though … I think I’m okay with how things are right now.
My Friendships: I would like to expand my friendship circle to include people I used to know and people I didn’t give a chance as much as i should have because I was so distracted with my BF.
My Self Worth: I want to increase my self worth so that I don’t worry about what people think of me to an extent. I already really don’t give a fuck but I still construct my words to my ex … I want to not do that. I want to be able to speak to him without walking on egg shells and wondering if he’s going to lose his fucking mind because I said something wrong. I know that’s a learned trait from the years I spent with him. It will come in time. I just want it to happen this year.
There’s a couple more questions …
The next question is:
“What scares you about the changes you want to make in your life?”#MindsetReset
Change is scary. I think that’s for anything. But mostly, I’m scared that if I make these changes to better myself, I’ll change who I am as a person. I have two sisters. My younger sister is my best friend. She’s bitchin’ and brilliant and practically perfect in every way. My older sister is a nightmare. She’s vendictive and manipulative and just a complete sociopath … Me and my younger sister have always been allies. I was always protecting her from my older sister who was abusive and shitty.
My older sister is a genius – like tested and officially. She’s super skinny and a dick about it. She looks like a horse in the face. Me: I’m heavy. but I’m also a genius – tested and official – and if I’m being honest, I’m pretty great looking. But she would shove my weight at me so much, I was always determined to do what she did better and with more success than she did, and do it all while being heavy.
And I did. I had hotter boyfriends. I’ve been loved without having to put out. I’ve had friends that have lasted me decades. I’ve had good jobs. I’ve fostered closer relationships with family and friends that she doesn’t understand. And that shit drives her nuts. I started having children before her. In her mind, I was better than her so it was just more incentive for her to be a dick back to me.
Then I lost my job. Then my relationship started to decline. Then I started gaining serious weight. Then I had to go on food stamps. Then I ignored my self-care in order to try to do and be everything to everyone so I was looking like shit. Then the depression started really kicking my ass. Then I was seeking help. And then and then and then … And she just eats it up.
Now she’s the one with the nice apartment, one great son (who I adore), engaged, doing a job she loves. And I’m happy for her. I don’t talk to her any more and haven’t for at least 6 months now but I don’t feel any animosity towards her. I want her to experience what it means to be a good person and be happy. Maybe that would help her to become one, not just when she wants something from you.
But I’m scared. I’m scared if I get to my goal weight of 170 that I will start to be a dick. Or that I’ll start looking down on people. Or that I’ll be treating people shitty. I’ve worked very hard to make sure that I treat people with respect and empathy. I don’t want that all to go away. I’ve known people who were awesome before they lose the weight but then turn into these shit people once the weight is gone. I don’t want to be that person. That’s something I’m scared of.
“What excites you about the changes you want to make in your life?”#MindsetReset
The possibility of being able to be independent is amazing. I want to be independent. I want to be able to create success and be like, “Yup. I did that. Myself.” I want to show my kids they don’t need a husband or a boyfriend or a trust fund to be able to take care of themselves appropriately. I also want to show them that through adversity we can bloom and be better people. And what brilliant changes we can make to this world if everyone was just a little better than they were the day before. The possibilities and opportunities … That’s what I’m really excited for. All I need is a chance to be successful. And I feel that it’s going to really take off this year.
So, the lady who runs this, Mel Robbins, has a video that she emails out and gives you daily assignments to complete to help to adjust your mindset. It’s a free program that she’s offering through her website. If you want to go check it out, i think you should. Everything she has talked about has scientific evidence to support why it works.
Today’s assignment is to take everything that i listed that I want to change and visualize in my mind what that would look like. Once I can really see it clearly, then I need to feel what it would feel like once I made those changes I’m looking to do. I’m a regular meditate-er so this isn’t a huge jump for me but I’m going to put more effort and detail into it. Why not, right?
The other thing that she said to do today is when making a mindset change, sometimes you’ll fall off the wagon, so to speak. She said to assign a ‘theme’ to the change to help guide you back from slip ups or to remind you why you need to stay the course. I’m a geek. I love comic books, sci-fi, and all the great stuff that comes along with that. I’m a HUGE Wonder Woman fan. I’m a HUGE Doctor Who fan. Though I considered making Wonder Woman the theme to the changes I want to make this year, I am really leaning towards making the theme of my changes River Song. She had it rough, that chick. Stolen from her family, raised to be an assassin, then falling in love with someone who she accepted would never love her back (Spoiler alert: He absolutely loves her. Still.), she was still able to be successful and dedicated, loved and fiercely loyal.
Wonder Woman is AMAZING. She is who I strive to be as a person. She is strong, kind, doesn’t put up with bullshit, knows her worth. River is the same. Maybe that’s why I love them both. Could I use both as a theme? It’s my theme. I can do what the fuck I want, right? I’m not sure how I would implement that but fuck it. Those are my girls. My GIRLS. WWMGD? What would my girls do? The more I think about it, the more I like it.
So, that’s it for today. I’m going to go get my visualization on. I got a couple things to do and my ex is going to drop off the kids … But who knows when. I think men follow different clocks then women … Is that why they call them ‘Man Hours?’
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