A Midlife What?! | Happy New Years!

My NYE wasn’t that exciting. Played pictionary with my brother and his family. They went to bed. I stayed up, had a glass of champagne (that I ended up dumping out – turns out I don’t care for champagne. Who knew?), and stayed up until 3 am working on my wonder woman cross stitch. #CaptainExcitement.

Yesterday, I talked about the #MindsetReset. Today, I have to pick one thing to change or improve in each of the following categories:

My Body: I can’t just say ‘everything?’ Really, I would like to be at my goal weight of 170 this year. To give you an idea, that’s 100 pounds from now. Yikes. But I’ve got 12 months. I can do this.

My Work: I want to make being a wedding planner a successful, full- time career for me. Something consistent, that will allow me to get my own place and take care of my kids without issue.

My Money: I would want to have enough money to live comfortably, take care of my kids, and have a surplus to be able to help people around me.

My Love Life: I would like to meet someone that I could have as my forever person. Someone who loves me and the kids, and won’t be a raging dick hole all the time. I don’t know if I’m ready for all that though … I think I’m okay with how things are right now.

My Friendships: I would like to expand my friendship circle to include people I used to know and people I didn’t give a chance as much as i should have because I was so distracted with my BF.

My Self Worth: I want to increase my self worth so that I don’t worry about what people think of me to an extent. I already really don’t give a fuck but I still construct my words to my ex … I want to not do that. I want to be able to speak to him without walking on egg shells and wondering if he’s going to lose his fucking mind because I said something wrong. I know that’s a learned trait from the years I spent with him. It will come in time. I just want it to happen this year.

There’s a couple more questions …

The next question is:

“What scares you about the changes you want to make in your life?”

#MindsetReset

Change is scary. I think that’s for anything. But mostly, I’m scared that if I make these changes to better myself, I’ll change who I am as a person. I have two sisters. My younger sister is my best friend. She’s bitchin’ and brilliant and practically perfect in every way. My older sister is a nightmare. She’s vendictive and manipulative and just a complete sociopath … Me and my younger sister have always been allies. I was always protecting her from my older sister who was abusive and shitty.

My older sister is a genius – like tested and officially. She’s super skinny and a dick about it. She looks like a horse in the face. Me: I’m heavy. but I’m also a genius – tested and official – and if I’m being honest, I’m pretty great looking. But she would shove my weight at me so much, I was always determined to do what she did better and with more success than she did, and do it all while being heavy.

And I did. I had hotter boyfriends. I’ve been loved without having to put out. I’ve had friends that have lasted me decades. I’ve had good jobs. I’ve fostered closer relationships with family and friends that she doesn’t understand. And that shit drives her nuts. I started having children before her. In her mind, I was better than her so it was just more incentive for her to be a dick back to me.

Then I lost my job. Then my relationship started to decline. Then I started gaining serious weight. Then I had to go on food stamps. Then I ignored my self-care in order to try to do and be everything to everyone so I was looking like shit. Then the depression started really kicking my ass. Then I was seeking help. And then and then and then … And she just eats it up.

Now she’s the one with the nice apartment, one great son (who I adore), engaged, doing a job she loves. And I’m happy for her. I don’t talk to her any more and haven’t for at least 6 months now but I don’t feel any animosity towards her. I want her to experience what it means to be a good person and be happy. Maybe that would help her to become one, not just when she wants something from you.

But I’m scared. I’m scared if I get to my goal weight of 170 that I will start to be a dick. Or that I’ll start looking down on people. Or that I’ll be treating people shitty. I’ve worked very hard to make sure that I treat people with respect and empathy. I don’t want that all to go away. I’ve known people who were awesome before they lose the weight but then turn into these shit people once the weight is gone. I don’t want to be that person. That’s something I’m scared of.

“What excites you about the changes you want to make in your life?”

#MindsetReset

The possibility of being able to be independent is amazing. I want to be independent. I want to be able to create success and be like, “Yup. I did that. Myself.” I want to show my kids they don’t need a husband or a boyfriend or a trust fund to be able to take care of themselves appropriately. I also want to show them that through adversity we can bloom and be better people. And what brilliant changes we can make to this world if everyone was just a little better than they were the day before. The possibilities and opportunities … That’s what I’m really excited for. All I need is a chance to be successful. And I feel that it’s going to really take off this year.

Today’s Assignment

So, the lady who runs this, Mel Robbins, has a video that she emails out and gives you daily assignments to complete to help to adjust your mindset. It’s a free program that she’s offering through her website. If you want to go check it out, i think you should. Everything she has talked about has scientific evidence to support why it works.

Today’s assignment is to take everything that i listed that I want to change and visualize in my mind what that would look like. Once I can really see it clearly, then I need to feel what it would feel like once I made those changes I’m looking to do. I’m a regular meditate-er so this isn’t a huge jump for me but I’m going to put more effort and detail into it. Why not, right?

The other thing that she said to do today is when making a mindset change, sometimes you’ll fall off the wagon, so to speak. She said to assign a ‘theme’ to the change to help guide you back from slip ups or to remind you why you need to stay the course. I’m a geek. I love comic books, sci-fi, and all the great stuff that comes along with that. I’m a HUGE Wonder Woman fan. I’m a HUGE Doctor Who fan. Though I considered making Wonder Woman the theme to the changes I want to make this year, I am really leaning towards making the theme of my changes River Song. She had it rough, that chick. Stolen from her family, raised to be an assassin, then falling in love with someone who she accepted would never love her back (Spoiler alert: He absolutely loves her. Still.), she was still able to be successful and dedicated, loved and fiercely loyal.

Wonder Woman is AMAZING. She is who I strive to be as a person. She is strong, kind, doesn’t put up with bullshit, knows her worth. River is the same. Maybe that’s why I love them both. Could I use both as a theme? It’s my theme. I can do what the fuck I want, right? I’m not sure how I would implement that but fuck it. Those are my girls. My GIRLS. WWMGD? What would my girls do? The more I think about it, the more I like it.

So, that’s it for today. I’m going to go get my visualization on. I got a couple things to do and my ex is going to drop off the kids … But who knows when. I think men follow different clocks then women … Is that why they call them ‘Man Hours?’

Thanks for Stopping By!

It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re not only helping me pursue my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii as to to start connecting to our future there. Also, if you can, please give me a follow on Twitter or InstagramThank you all again so very much!

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A Midlife What?! | New Years Eve

SO much has happened over the course of the last six months. Shit things, good things, great things. I have started to heal from the break up. I’ve started to consider my well being before I make decisions. I’ve really looked into myself and saw the turmoil (for lack of a better word) that I was in. I’m finally ready to make serious changes and move forward. The last thing I want to do is become stagnant.

My Great Sister and her Great Ideas

So, my sister, who I’ve talked about before as to being brilliant, is brilliant. I mean she’s brilliant! She found a program (?) to help organize the chaotic mind as so to make for better planning and execution of said plans to improve life and achieve goals. It’s called Mindset Reset by Mel Robbins. I’ve never heard of her and I know nothing about this reset. However, my sister is doing it so I’m going to do it too. What’s the worst that can happen? It’s only for 35 days – I can dedicate 35 days to something that has the potential to really improve the way I ‘person.’ Why not, right? It’s free.

So, I’m going to do that. In real time. On here. To make it clear: I’m not getting any financial kick back from this Mel person. This is not an endorsement; it’s research. 🙂 I’ll go through it. You’ll see how I go through it. And then if you want to check it out, there’s the link (here it is too). If you’re not into it: Cool. At least you can laugh at me while I check it out.

The First Part: Review 2018 … Ugh…

Okay so there’s a whole manual for this reset. There are email tools and support things that come along with this manual to assist with this Mindset Reset. The first portion is to evaluate yourself in specific areas on a scale from one to ten. And then to advise why you chose that rating. And to make sure you start with something I think a majority of people are embarrassed about, question number one is: My Body. You know what? Let’s do it like this:

  1. My Body: 4 out of 10 – There’s LOTS I’d like to change.
    1. Why? I love my tits. My ass is starting to grow on me – literally – but I like it. I have issues with just about everything in between. I’ve never been conventionally skinny. I’ve said this before, I’ve got no problem with having junk in my trunk. But with years of emotional and verbal abuse, three kids, and eating to feel better about my situation or to block out my situation completely, I’m gooey-er than I’d like. I’m happy around 190. I feel perfect about 170 – anything less than that and I think it might be too thin for my frame. But I love my boobs.
  2. My Work: 5 out of 10 – I love my work, just want more of it.
    1. I have my own consulting business … I’m a wedding planner. Have you ever felt like you found your calling? I fucking love being a wedding planner! But with three kids and now a single parent, I need more consistent income. I would love to be able to make this consistent, dependable, full-time work. Maybe I need to go to business school to better do that … idk.
  3. My Money: 1 out of 10 – I don’t have any.
    1. I want to say that in a better way. I’m thrifty? No, that’s not right. Physically, I have $6 to my name and I don’t get paid until next Monday. Yeah, I sweat putting gas in the car and heaven forbid the kids come home from school with a fund raiser … But I’m happy … Maybe that’s not the word. My kids have food and we laugh A LOT. I don’t know if those things are what this questionnaire are looking for but though I seriously budget, I can’t say that I’m sad or that the kids are hurting from it. We play board games and read and watch movies together. We go on picnics and walk to the park. Yeah, I can’t compulsive shop like I’d like, and I tell my kids ‘no’ quite often when we’re in the store, but I can’t say in all honestly that having more money would make us happier. It might make certain things easier, add to our freedoms, but happier? I don’t think that would come from money. But I do want a place of my own ASAP. I want to be independent from others’ generosity. I want to be able to give back my surplus to those who are in need too.
  4. My Love Life: 10 out of 10 – for what I’m looking for right now.
    1. I was with my BF for 17 years. That’s a long time to be with someone. I’m not looking for another relationship right now. Oh hell no. But, when you’re with someone for so long, even when they’re abusive, you get accustomed to having someone there with you. So, what I’m looking for right now isn’t so much a ‘love life’ but companions. People to help share my journey. I was isolated and treated like shit. All I want to do now is hang out with my friends and relate and talk to other people. I’m currently dating someone but it’s a very loose interpretation of dating. We hold hands. We actually talk. We’re fun and spontaneous. But then I have all the space I need. It’s somewhat long distance, I only get to see him about once a week, and we are on the phone quite a bit. But I have my space to do what I want, when I want. I will fall in love again. And when I do, it will at the right time. For right now, I just want friends everywhere so I’m very satisfied in that area.
  5. My Friendships: 7 out of 10 – Love my friends but needs work.
    1. The last 17 years, I’ve isolated myself from my friends in order to foster and care for my relationship, and then our family once we had kids. The last 10 years it was more concentrated because things were falling apart and I was trying my damnedest to hold everything together. As a result, I have really four friends, not including my children. Five, if you really widen that criteria. Two of which are my family and one I’m ‘dating.’ Making friends as an adult isn’t as hard as making friends when you’re in high school. But not as easy as when you’re a toddler. So, I’m starting to re-engage with old friends of mine. I’m accepting invites instead of cancelling because I have to be home to take care of the house, my kids, and the old man, etc. I’m going to new places alone just because they’re new. I want to be out there, chatting with people and engaging with people. People who are different from my way of thinking or can expand any part of my living experience. I’m working towards caring better for the friends I still have.
  6. My Self-Worth: 4 out of 10 – There’s work to be done.
    1. I have always been of the opinion that I am worthy of every fucking thing because I exist. My quote in the yearbook was, “Why can’t I?” I lost that over the last 17 years. You sacrifice for your family, for your spouse, for the life that you thought you were building. When you love someone, you do anything for them, even if it hurts you. At least that’s what I do. I have loved so deeply, and I’m proud of that. Some people don’t allow themselves to feel that deeply out of fear of pain once it’s over. But I can fully and honestly say that I have loved another human being (that I haven’t made) more than I’ve loved myself. And though I’ve lost, and I am lost, I know I will be able to do that again. But the question comes into have I been loved that way in return? I don’t honestly know. And that’s what I’m currently fighting with. Have I not been loved that deeply because I’m not worthy of that love? My dad left me. My mom left me. My ex fiance left me. My BF of 17 years left me. Would it be fair to say that I’m the common cause of those abandonments? I don’t know if that’s a question I can answer. Obviously, issues in relationships are NEVER one-sided. And I know I’m not perfect. But I believe wholeheartedly that I gave 110% of my best 99% of the time. I know I’ve grown as a person because of those people choosing to exit my life. And I also know that I’ve loved each of those people fully and completely. That brings me some peace. I have come to the realization that I have limits to what I can control. And people who choose to leave my life … I can’t control their choice nor their action. I can only control how I try to improve myself and how I actively try to be the best person I can be. Not the best girlfriend, not the best daughter, not the best worker … The best person. I want to make a positive impact on my community.

The Next Page

That was the rating portion. Now there are several questions about 2018 more essay style:

“What are three good things that happened this year and how did they make you feel?”

There are so many good things that have happened to me. First, I would have to say that moving in with my brother was a great thing that happened this year. I was in a dark place. In the matter of an hour, I was blind-sided with a break-up, kicked out of my home with three kids, and my older sister even refused to let us stay there … Not even for the night.

Let me expand a little bit here. I say my brother, he’s not. I’ve known him since I was 13 and we’ve been best friends ever since. He married my best friend from high school and I’m the godmother to their only child. He’s my brother. That’s just what it is. So, for him and his wife to take in me and my kids … I can’t begin to express the love I feel. He was there when even my blood family wasn’t, when my in-laws weren’t. He doesn’t have much and he shared what he did have with me and my kids. Anyway, so that’s one.

Another good thing that happened this year was that I got to drive my ma across the country to her new home in South Carolina. A concentrated week of driving with my ma, her two dogs and her cat. We had a great time. We had a GREAT time. And the trip was able to create some closure for me that my ma was moving and I needed to be okay with that. And I am. I’m okay now. And I really love looking back on all the memories we made on that trip. It was really amazing.

And one more good thing that happened was I got my job. I make like nothing but that job saved me so many times! It’s been an absolute life saver. I have outgrown it as my sole income provider however I will never quit. It was everything I needed and it continues to be a huge part of my rebuilding. I bloody love my job. I am so grateful and thankful for having my little job.

“What are three low points in the year and how did you handle them?”

#ManifestReset

Well, a big one was the break-up. That was devastating. I don’t know how I handled it – I’m still handling it. I’m actively looking for better ways to improve myself and I try to treat him with respect and be civil to him in spite of him still being a douche, because I want to show my kids that I can be a grown up. They’ll look back on this later in life with their therapists and be like, “My mom was strong. I want to be strong too.”

Another low point … idk about ‘low point’ but it was a hugely impactful moment, was when I found out about my squamous cell skin cancer on my face. That’s scary. When I first got the diagnosis, I was like, “My face is rotting off!” But with talking to my doctor, doing research, and using humor to deflect from my anxiety, I’ve been doing well. I got my treatments and froze my face. I go back to my follow-up appointments and make sure to keep an eye out for any changes or additional spots. It’s something that I will always have in my mind but it’s caused me to be more serious about skin protection. and that’s a great thing.

I know I touched on this a little under the good things that happened but my mom moving. She’s older. She wants a slower pace. I get it. And I want her to be happy. But she was one person I hadn’t been without my whole life. She’d always been there. We had a rough couple years in my early 20s, we didn’t speak much. But we had worked hard to rebuild that relationship and then she moves. Not across town; across country. I hadn’t seen her for 6 months since she moved and then when she got back, it was like she didn’t want to spend any time with me or my kids. Almost like it was a burden. And the kids picked up on it too. So, I enjoyed the time I got to see her and told the kids that she has to split her time between us and their auntie. They seemed to adjust to it. That makes things a little better.

“What is the big lesson that you learned this year?”

#MindsetReset

I could be very bitter right here. My knee-jerk answer would be, “Never to trust anyone EVER!” But I don’t think that’s it. I want to say it’s the importance of self-reliance … But that’s not it either. I think the biggest lesson that I learned this year is how to be happy with what you have, no matter how little or tattered it is. I know I’m currently sleeping on a sofa with my three kids. I also know that’s not going to last forever. Soon, I’ll be in my own place, my own space, and the kids will have their space too. But I am so thankful for this sofa! I am so thankful for the food stamps that help to feed my kids while I’m still under the poverty line. I’m thankful for my brother and sis-in-law for taking us in. I may not be dripping in diamonds but I am well loved by my family and that’s what’s holding my shit together right now.

“What did you do this year that you are proud of?”

#MindsetReset

What did I do that I’m proud of? I haven’t maimed my ex … Pretty proud of that shit right there. What am I proud of though? I’m proud that when he was trying to punish me, I didn’t weaken and I didn’t fold. I didn’t let the fact that he took the car stop me from leaving the house or doing what I needed to. I didn’t let his abusive words and emotional attacks stop me from loving and treating people with respect and empathy. I don’t know if I’m proud of anything I actually did this year. But I am very proud of what I DIDN’T do this year.

But I did do everything in my power to keep the kids as stable as I can. Their grades are As in spite of the fact that we have to leave the house at 6:30 AM just to make it to school on time. I’m proud of the fact that every time the kids called me with any issue, I was able to be there for them fully, compassionately, and with guidance. I was able to show up when they called late at night begging to come home because my ex was yelling about shit. And I’m proud that even through this whole break-up that I have been able to keep my cool and be a good example to my kids even when he’s being an asshole.

“What are your hopes and dreams for next year?”

#MindsetReset

Wow. This is a loaded one because I want to accomplish so much in 2019. First, I want to get a good job so that I can move fucking forward. A good job. Something that’s going to allow me to take care of my kids by myself comfortably. Something that will allow me to say, “Yes.” sometimes to compulsive buys at the store. Or that I can get the durable school clothes instead of the cheap-o ones. Durable shoes that will actually last longer than a month. Be able to have friends over and feed them without it being a pot luck.

Second, my own place, very close to the beach, in a nice neighborhood. I need to feel connected to nature. I’m a water person. I need to be by water. It can be a little apartment or a little cottage or a little condo … Nothing fancy. Just safe, stable, in nature; a place for me and the kids to be and feel at home. At our home. Our home.

Third, I want to finally reach my goal weight. I’ve been floundering for years about my weight and now it’s time. I’m going to be 42 in 2 months. I can’t continue like this. I need to make a change for my health, for my kids, for my future. This isn’t who I am supposed to be. I know that because if I was supposed to be this heavy, I wouldn’t feel like shit about it all the time. Not just that, but when I reach my goal weight, I will have demonstrated to myself that I can really do anything I want. Anything. I can do anything I want.

That’s the 2018 review. Next we go onto the 2019 expectations and plans … I’ll put that in another post because this one is already super long. Happy New Years Everybody!

Thanks for Stopping By!

It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re not only helping me pursue my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii as to to start connecting to our future there. Also, if you can, please give me a follow on Twitter or InstagramThank you all again so very much!

A Midlife What?! | Adios 2018 … Finally

It’s that time of year again where we all reflect on the things that we wanted to do but didn’t in the past year. So, I’m going to focus on the things that have been cleared out to make room for the great things I’m planning on doing in 2019.

The Relationship

I know I’ve spent a lot of time talking about it, but the loss of my 17-year relationship has been a rough loss. I’ve come a couple months from that ending and seeing it from the outside now, I am grateful and thankful and READY to fully let it go. I’ve met some great people and was reminded of the fact that not all men are abusive assholes. I don’t trust right now. I don’t feel lonely, like I need a man to make me a worthy human. But I do realize that I can and will love someone … When I’m ready. Like Fergie says, “A girl like me don’t stay single for long.”

A Stable Home … But an Unhappy One

With the loss of the relationship, I was forced to move out. My brother and sister in law took me and the kids in. And we’ve been here ever since. Being in a dysfunctional relationship also affects the environment. When I go back to his house, I just FEEL the stress and chaos as soon as I walk into the place. It’s thick with negative energy that just festers there. I may sleep on a sofa right now, but soon, i’ll have my own place and I’ll keep the place happy for my kids. I needed to make room for that.

Cutting Off Negative People

I know it’s probably not the most popular choice I’ve made, but I stopped talking to my sister this year. She’s just a black hole of negativity. She’s was also abusive to me throughout growing up, and it just continued into adulthood. My younger sister knew very early to not talk to my older sister as soon as she was able to. She hasn’t talked to my older sister for almost 20 years now. It feels good to get rid of all that negative energy to make a space for more positive energy.

My ma moving to South Carolina was a big hit for me. But it wasn’t until after some time had passed that I realized how negative my ma was. She came down for Christmas this year and didn’t hardly even talk to me or my kids. I think out of the 8 days she was here, I saw her maybe for 2 hours every other day. The rest of the time she was with my older sister. I think that negative energy shift is pretty good. I’m making room for more positivity in my life.

Things I’ve Realized

There’s quite a bit that I’ve realized this year too. I found that I really love to yoga. I’ve found that I want more and more to go back to doing art and being visually creative. I’ve realized that I am really a strong person and that I can do anything I want … As long as I put in the effort.

I’m working on my resolutions and will let you all know once I nail them down. Not that I don’t know what I want to accomplish, but I need to sort out the actual plan before I can really commit to it.

Thanks for Stopping By!

It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re not only helping me pursue my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii as to to start connecting to our future there. Also, if you can, please give me a follow on Twitter or InstagramThank you all again so very much!

A Midlife What?! | Best Update Ever

I have had a tough little year. You all have been following that. And with my ma moving to South Carolina in June, it’s been really hard without her here with me. Thanksgiving was real, real tough. And with Christmas coming, it was looking to be a rough little holiday. 

Best News

SO: My ma is coming down for Christmas! Sorry. I probably should have drug that out a little longer. MY MA IS COMING FOR CHRISTMAS! 

So, I drove my ma cross country to take her, her two dogs, and her cat, to South Carolina. The week after I got back, that’s when my ex kicked me out of the house with nothing. Literally, with nothing. 

I called my sister (whom I never really got along with for an extended amount of time), and asked to stay at her house for just a bit while I looked for a job. 

She said I could stay there but only for one night and only without my kids. I was like fuck that, adios, I will figure something else out. My ma put me up in a hotel for a few nights and then I moved in with my brother. I’ve been here since. 

But considering the history between my sister and I, and after long analysis with my other sister, I decided to block her out of my life. Off of all social networks, off the phone. And then we moved so she doesn’t even have my current address. I blocked her emails. Everything. I know at first glance this seems like a harsh decision. “You’re sisters. Suck it up.” My older sister is a sociopath. My younger sister is a clinical therapist and she has proclaimed that my older sister is severely damaged sociopath. 

I tried for a long time to suck things up with her to make my ma happy. But my ma isn’t here; she’s 2500 miles away. I have no ties to my older sister other than my nephew (who is just darling. I love him so), but I have arrangements with my brother in law (her ex) so I get to still see him regularly. Adios sister.

I bring this up because my sister called my brother’s wife and told her that my ma was coming in and that she couldn’t get a hold of me to make arrangements. Then she wanted to turn it into a surprise for me but didn’t know anything about what I was doing or anything. I was entertained by that, I’m not going to lie. 

What Does That Mean Then? 

Well, I know for sure my ma is going to visit with me on Tuesday and she’s going to get to see the kids. I know she’s going to the race track on Saturday with my nephew to look at Christmas lights – I think she’s going to take the kids too. And then she’s coming over Christmas Eve to spend with me and the kids before she leaves on Christmas Day. 

I AM SO EXCITED!

This is probably not my best organized post, but I’m so excited, I just can’t contain it!

Thanks for Stopping By!

It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re not only helping me pursue my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii as to to start connecting to our future there. Also, if you can, please give me a follow on Twitter or InstagramThank you all again so very much!

I Need to Unload my Brain

Time to play a little catch-up here. This is going to take a minute. 

I’ve Been Working Real Hard

There’s a whole lot of things going on that I have on my mind. I don’t know where to start and there are going to be some details I can’t get into. Of course, it’s just that complicated.

First, I’ve been looking for a job, as you all know. I got a great interview with a great company that I can’t wait to work for, doing exactly what I’ve been trained to do. Great pay. Great potential. They haven’t called me back yet. I know I’m a perfect fit for this job. And the pay is exactly what I’m looking for. Benefits are great. Everything is aligning in the most perfect and unexpected manner. But they haven’t called yet. Why not? I know I’m freaking myself out about it. I know that they know I am perfect for their position. I just want the waiting to be over and hire me already! JUST HIRE ME ALREADY!

Second, my ex and I haven’t been meshing very well at all and I know the kids feel it. That kills me. The last couple times my kids have been at his house, the baby has called me crying about how much she misses her mom. I went and picked her up at like 9:30 pm last week! I love my babies and I want them with me all the time. I don’t know exactly how to put that into action. 

Third, I’ve been here and there with my sis-in-law. She’s great and amazing and they’ve done so much for me and my kids. Her negativity and her controlling is starting to wear on me. I have to try really hard to keep my mouth shut. And I think it’s starting to affect how my body is functioning … Which leads me to number four:

Fourth, I hurt my back and I can’t tell you how. Like, i can’t lift anything off of the floor. Like when I try to yoga, I don’t need a helping brick, I need a helping chair. I’ve tried everything from heating pads to Advil to ice packs to Vicodin. Nothing works. And the pain goes right down my leg. It was on the right side of my body, but now it’s my left. My sis-in-law thinks it might be from carrying my extra heavy laptop bags and shit around every day, so because she’s so super wonderful, she brought me home a great new bag for my laptop and shit. It has a shoulder strap and it’s also a backpack – maybe that will help with the distribution of the weight. I’ll try anything at this point. I can’t even really shower properly!

Fifth, I’ve been going out for a little while and having some ‘fun.’ I started seeing someone. Nothing committed and we don’t have sex (any kind of sex – I’m so not ready for that, omg), but we take walks, talk on the phone, and kiss. I forgot how much I liked holding hands with someone. I forgot how much I liked being kissed. How do people forget that? I forgot that there are men out there who aren’t just assholes, thinking only of themselves. The other great thing about this man: I’ve known him forever. Maybe since about 15 years old. We’ve always been friends. We lost touch for a while. I would run into him every now and again around town but nothing consistent. He’s just finished getting divorced and me with my recent (I guess not so recent anymore) break-up … We’re kind of holding each other up right now. It’s nice to care about someone who also cares about me as a person. That was one of the things with my ex: Everything was about sex. I wasn’t a person after a while; I was just a hole to fuck. Sorry, I don’t mean to offend anyone but that’s as accurate a statement as I can make. Let me change that. This is my blog and I’ll post what the fuck I want. That being said, I think being honest to others (and by extension with myself) will help me to heal and move forward faster and better. Me and my male caller are not dating but we’re more than friends. At this point, I’m just taking things day by day, with the anticipation that it’s all going to end. I’m just enjoying the companionship. 

That doesn’t mean I don’t go out with other guys or people. This one in particular just ‘gets me.’ He understands what I’m feeling because he’s feeling it too. I like that he doesn’t have all the answers. I like that he asks me about my day and just out of nowhere will send me nice little sayings and thoughts, just because they made him think of me. He’s just a nice person who knows me and whom I know. And that makes me feel less alone. 

Sixth, I got a new client for my wedding planning for a wedding in April. They’re taking a little extra time getting their things over and it’s making me anxious too. I know they’re still going to go with me, but I really want them to have their contract and everything in already! I’ve never been great at waiting. 

In the Days to Come

Though I know I have a lot of work to do in order to bring my life back to where I want it to be, I am so grateful and thankful for all that I have. I live with my wonderful brother and sis-in-law. I live with my nephew who I just adore. I am able to be an effective mom who is capable of showering my kids with love. –> side note: When my parents divorced, my ma was an emotional mess and wasn’t able to give emotionally as much as I needed. Though I understand, I want to make a deliberate effort to give my kids all the love I can. <–

I love that I get to be a wedding planner. It’s like figuring out what you were made to do and then getting to do it. I love that. I love all the possibilities that are bubbling up right now. That gives me more hope for the future for me and my kids. And Hope is the start of everything. 

Thanks for Stopping By!

It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re not only helping me pursue my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii as to to start connecting to our future there. Also, if you can, please give me a follow on Twitter or InstagramThank you all again so very much!



MOST IMPORTANT DAY: Election day

There’s little I hate more than people who complain about society and then don’t fucking vote.

The problem I have with Colin Kapaernik was not that he was kneeling during the Anthem, but that, when it came time to vote, he OBSTAINED. Who does that? You’re intension was to bring to light all the bullshit and then when it came to you doing something that can actually affect the very situation that you’re protesting, you obstain. OBSTAIN. It wasn’t that he wasn’t allowed to vote – he CHOSE not to vote. That’s like complaining that you’re getting burned at the stove but refusing to use an oven mit.

Don’t be a Colin. Vote. Vote until your little heart is full of joy. Vote. Change life as you know it; as I know it; as our children will know it. Vote. Yeah, you should be paying attention to politics. I know it’s not as fun as watching football or baseball. I know it feels like homework to have to do all the reading. VOTE! This is YOUR future that we are voting on.

As much as the stupid tax cut hurt regular people, as much as the hate and bigotry has created hostility throughout the country; as much as the divide between parties and between people has become this huge, gaping, chasm – If you don’t get out there and vote, then you lose all right to bitch and complain about one little fucking thing. Sales tax? Too bad. You don’t like all the fucked up roads? Suck it up, buttercup. Your rep in the Senate doesn’t vote the way you want? Tough shit. You don’t vote, then you can’t say shit.

Go out and vote today. Just vote. Vote however you feel is right, just vote.

VOTE