A Little Writer’s Block Honesty

I’ve been grappling with writer’s block for about 2 weeks now, so I thought I would just put my heart out there for this week’s post.

It’s hard to talk about where I am now, considering what was my expectations for my life. As of last Monday, I moved out, and am now living at my mom’s with my 3 kids. I still have to go back and forth to the house to collect more things – I couldn’t get it all in one trip – but I got the necessities out for me and the girls. They’re pissed they don’t get to bring all their toys but what can you do, right?

I am normally a very private – I’d go so far to describe me as secretive – to everyone. No one really knows me, they know pieces here and there but no one knows the whole picture except maybe my sister, but even then that would be just a guess. It’s lonely.  It can be frustrating. And it definitely makes me like animals better than most people.

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Today was hard. It was the first day I saw my kids’ dad since I moved out last week. He picked up my youngest to spend a bit of time with her. The older two are away at camp until Thursday… a little one on one time together is a great thing. It’s strange and a bit depressing that there is this tension – I don’t know how to explain it. When I was living there, and all the shit talking and all the bullshit, there was always someone there.

I’m also a little nervous because my fund-raisers aren’t performing the way I would like. I need to do more research on it and how to execute it better, I believe. I want to do so much, then I get disappointed with myself when I don’t get done what I wanted. It’s a stupid cycle. Start to feel strength, get a bit ambitious, don’t complete what I wanted to, get depressed, fight to even get out of bed.

Today is one of those days. I was doing okay this morning then the ex calls to spend time with the baby. I was still good. Bath for the baby, I got dressed, then he comes and it was just awkward and tense. Then when he left, I was heart-broken, alone, worrying about if I made the right decision.

Then I ate all fucking day.

I love this feeling though. The feeling that the old is peeling away for the new; the feeling that I can do anything I want, and that I’m not a piece of shit. I am excited about what might be coming. I am trying to be optimistic – it’s a daily battle, but I keep trying.

Thank you so much for reading my blog! It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re helping me pursue not only my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. There are also t-shirts available (I also donate 25% of those contributions to the SurfRider Foundation). It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii in October 2017 as so to start connecting to our future there. Thank you all again so very much!

The Living Aloha Campaign

I said I would let you know once it was live so here it is! We are running a t-shirt campaign for the next 3 weeks to help spread the word about Living Aloha!! I know! I am SO EXCITED! It’s though Bonfire  <– there’s the link. 🙂 The profits go towards maintaining this blog, moving things towards ‘My True Self’ and of course 25% goes to the surfrider foundation to help protect our delicate coastlines.

Get a great t-shirt, help someone out. How great is that??

Thank you so much for reading my blog! It’s your support that keeps me chasing my passions and writing about it. With your contributions, you’re helping me pursue not only my true self, but 25% of the funds raised are donated to the SurfRider Foundation. It’s the small contributions that will also help fund the next trip to Hawaii in October 2017 as so to start connecting to our future there. Thank you all again so very much!

Assholes of Camping

So I went camping over the weekend with my kids and my Ma. The campsite had a splash pad for kids to play on.


Well there were two little boys (maybe 5 and 7-ish) playing on the geysers. The 5-year-old pissed off the 7-year-old because the 7 year old jumped on the 5 year old, pushed him down, put one hand on his neck and his other hand over his mouth and nose. I didn’t see the hands at this point. I had shouted at the kids, “Hey!” There were 6 adults RIGHT THERE, no one stopped anything. When the kids still didn’t disengage (for lack of a better word), I trotted over there and saw what was exactly going on. I pitched a FIT, full banshee mode, pulled the kids apart, and was like, “where’s your mom??” No answer. The little kid was shaking like a leaf, totally terrified, couldn’t even speak. I bring him back to my little picnic spot, get him a towel, give him some food, and just let him be in a safe little environment. Continue reading

Let me tell you about a hero

Things have been tight – you all know that. I have been spending a decent amount of time at the McDonald’s so the kids can play, I can get my dollar diet coke, and I can work on my resume and job searches in peace.

Since it’s quite a bit tough, I had just enough today for my drink (so we don’t get kicked out for loitering), and the kids got their water cups.

Things were winding down, and the kids whining for dinner, so I started packing up my things to take them home for dinner when I came face to face with a hero. Continue reading

Living Aloha: A Brilliant Philosophy

While in Hawaii, I was greeted and treated by the most wonderful people. They were open and wonderful to a stranger (me) and was unconditional with their kindness. Not to mention my brilliant sister and my brilliant brother-in-law… they are truly an example of the best people I have ever known. There is one thing that has really stayed with me: Aloha. Continue reading

Tending My Garden: Nutrition

Food. For being such a small word, it certainly is complicated. There are allergies, and syndromes, illnesses, and preferences — all affected by something as tiny as food.

Food – in genereal – has been an enemy of mine since I was young. I remember my ma telling me stories of how my dad would tell her, “I will not have a fat kid.” Also, she used to poke my thighs and tell me, “That’s not supposed to do that.”

The fucked thing about it was that my father was heavy. Continue reading